2010...did you feel it?

I have never worked over the December holidays...it’s so weird. Tomorrow is going to be 2011 and on Monday I’m back at work. Doesn’t suck as much as I thought it would.
So here’s some stuff about 2010 that I always wanted to say, but never had the time or chance:

The Last Airbender

I’m actually surprised at how many people didn’t like this movie. The truth is that if you didn’t do or like Martial Arts at one point in your life, you probably won’t understand this movie or like it. I really didn’t like their accents in the movie, and that brown girl with the blond hair just didn’t do it for me. The star of this movie was the Martial Arts. The Kata’s was excellent. It actually reminded me of Bruce Lee and his thoughts and philosophies about Kata. If you have time, you can see some of his interviews on youtube.

Batman Begins


I finally watched both movies. I watched Dark Knight first, then Begins and I finally realised what all the hoopla was about. Batman was always my least favourite hero. A spoilt rich dude that has an obsession and fascination with bats really didn’t appeal to me. But the explanation and interpretation that these movies presented of that whole world was excellent!

Everyone said they liked the second one better. And that Katie Holmes was crap. I’m not a fan of Katie, but I actually think she did a MUCH better job than Maggie Gyllenhaal. I like her but she really didn’t fit into Dark Knight. And *shock* I actually liked Begins more than DK. The only other thing that irritated me was the long drawn out car chase scene. Both movies dragged it on waaayyyy too long and what was worse was that it really had no point to it. If it added to the story, I’m all for it. But in the words of my Supervisor: if it has no purpose then kill it.
Can’t wait for the next one...really hope Cat Women is in it!

And this is what I have learned in 2010:

Life is strange. Sometimes a lot of things can happen in your life, but nothing actually changes. And other times nothing happens at all, and when you look again your life is different.

This year was all about Love. Looking for it. Finding it. Realising it’s not real. Missing it. Wanting it. And Letting it go.


I always believed that, when it was my time to get married I would. And everyone would say...you must put yourself “out there”. I did realise that I never did. When boys would approach me I would immediately shut down. I can handle liking guys, but its them liking me back or first (which was not very often) that I had to learn to deal with.

I’ve learned that the biggest problem today is that people live too much in fictional worlds. Whether it is in a book, movie, comic, play station or cyber space. People don’t know how to connect anymore. What we want to connect to is our dreams, our view of perfection. We have lost the ability or guts to connect with each other on a real level.

I’ve learned that you can go home again. But it will never be the same. I was lucky that I was able to re-live my youth in a way. I really enjoyed it, and without it I don’t think I would have survived this year. But the truth is that what’s done is done. Now that I think about it I didn’t really re-live my youth but was witness to what my life would have been like, had I participated in my youth, as appose to waiting for it to end.

I’ve learned that the past has this ability to freeze us in a vortex of pain and suffering with no real purpose behind it. The past is over. You can’t change it. And in some cases you can’t learn from it. No good come from re-living it. There are times, when you have to just forget that the past ever happened. It is sad to see how many people are victims of their own torture by holding onto the past. I had to learn that there are some moments I will never get back. Life will never move forward if we always looking back.

I’ve learned that finding someone (whether it is a friend or partner) that see’s you for who you are and not what you represent in society or the world and accepts you for this and loves you regardless is very rare.

I’ve learned that some people don’t get happy endings. Some people don’t marry the person that they love or don't get married at all. And that’s okay.

I’ve learned that Love is there to make us look beyond the perfect image we have in our minds. To force us in marrying the person we were meant to. Even though it won’t last forever....love has its uses.

I’ve confirmed that girls that go on dates want to know two things: 1) Can I see that on top of me? 2) Will he be able to look after me financially. This means gents...that if you don’t look after you and if you’re stingy on the date...don’t turn around and say that she is shallow or greedy. Would you eat a steak that is covered in fat? That was lying on the floor? That is undercooked? Overcooked? Or smells nasty? A women needs to ensure that what goes inside her is quality. You looking at a girl thinking all sorts of nasty things don’t kid yourself in thinking that she is not thinking the exact same. A women needs to make sure that the man is going to work hard to look after his family and not expect her to work so that she can pay for mags on his car.

We try and justify why we feel the way we do. We very rare take the moment to realise that we feel. And most times there is no deeper meaning. It just is.

Sometimes love and even the lack of it, is our test. It is not for us to complain about it. Just to get through it.

I have realised that I use too comma’s and write in too long sentences. I always knew that I can’t spell for shit, which makes me very nervous about blogging. So I’ve decided that I’m going to put up a disclaimer. Because this blog is about expressing my feelings, not learning how to become a better writer.

I have tried to be more girly, more open, more ‘nicer’. And really it didn’t help me at all. So for 2011...the Bitch is Back. With upgrades though....I’ll be just a little nicer about being a bitch. I’m sorry for the innocent bystanders but hey, that’s life.

Here’s to 2011...ba-ring it!

Narnia 3, should be named - King Caspian, The Sexy

It took me a while to realise that it was the same guy from the second Narnia. He looks like a man, or should I say King. Think I'm going to write to Santa and ask him for a King Caspian of my own. I'm loving the beard.

Don't like that they changed his accent. I mean, why? But I liked the movie...I thought the first two were better, but then again, I'm a warring kinda girl.

But the 3D, was highly disappointing. The picture just looked more textured that's all. It didn't do anything for the movie. If I could watch it again, I would have just watched it in normal mode. It was a waste of my money. And this was the very thing I was worried about. That everything would be made in 3D just so that they can charge us more money to watch the movie. Don't know if they actually make more money out of 3D than a normal movie.

Anyway...I love Ben

Did you know that he is the guy in the beginning of Stardust? I didn't.

Harry Potter

I think that I should read the books. The last movie made me realise that there is much more to the story than what is shown.

Is it so? Or should I not destroy the movie by reading the book?

Chatting up a storm

It never occurs to me that boys and girls are different until we chat online. Being as old as I am, there are very few conversations with guys that do not have some type of fishing expedition behind it. Both parties will try to fish out if you’re single, do-able, or just an online friend.

When I chat, I often get very nervous. I’m always thinking, okay how is he going to take this? Because I’m very sarcastic and always scared that the boy will not understand in what context I say things. Nothing worse than coming in with a higher grade humour just to find out that mister lower grade takes everything at face value, all that cyber time wasted.

What I don’t understand is the whole asking for picture thing. I get that men are visual so they want to see what they talking to. But why do they want more than one? A guy once BEGGED for more pictures, like four or five hours before we actually met!! Now in my mind, I’m thinking okay I’m going to see him then I will know how he really looks. But guys are like “please send me a picture, please, please, please”. This freaks me out! Why do you want the pic so bad? Can any guy out there please clear this up for me?

I reached a crescendo of irritation with a certain Mr. Durban. Who sent me 9 pictures of his car, a few of his family and one, badly lit picture of himself. Then he asks me what picture am I going to send him? “Do you want a picture of my car?” I asked. “No of you” he typed. I pointed out that he did have a picture of me that was very well lit. He started begging like some Oliver Twist on steroids. So I typed “Okay, fine. You win. I’m going to send you a picture of myself. I’m a bit naked, so don’t judge me.” And then I sent him this:

I have NEVER laughed so much in my life.

He said I was evil, but he had a good sense of humour about it, and we remain chat buddies.

But I am still trying to figure out boy language in cyber-space. All I can think of is that guys ask, trying to get you to send ‘naughty’ pictures of yourself to them so they can spend some ‘happy’ time with themselves, or they taking my picture, and putting my head on naked bodies. (Which actually happened to a friend of mine).

Or they could be going arounds saying this is my girlfriend...which is cool, just tell me about it! I mean who hasn't done that before?

;->.

Read this

The book changed my life.

This post and its comments are very interesting.

It doesn't matter which religion you follow or what culture you are from please read this post, and if you can read the book. It provides an insight into life, that can transcend all boundaries.

Angel, Flash Foward and the Future

I think my biggest problem is that I want to find meaning in everything. Even though I know that sometimes, things happen, just because they happen. Nothing is what is seems, but sometimes. Reality is much more simple that you see it.

I remember a very specific episode of Angel. There was a prophecy that was deciphered by Wesley that Angel would drink the blood of his son. At this point, his son Conner was just a baby and everyone was in love with him. In an effort to save Conner from being killed by Angel, Wesley steals the child which leads to a succession of events with grave consequences. But after all of that, Angel really did drink the blood of his son, because one of his enemies, I think it was Wolferman Heart, had but his sons blood into Angles pigs blood. Now had Wesley realised that little loophole that the son would not have to die, in order for the prophecy to come true.

I always think that, when hearing about predictions of the future. Recently I watched Flash Forward. It’s a series (based on a book) that only has one season, but the concept of it was absolutely awesome. With good actors, I just think the director was a bit crappy. Anyway if you haven’t seen it this is what happens:
The whole world blacks out for two minutes and 17 seconds, and in this time they see the future. But the future that they saw was as a result of the blackout. So the future that saw happened because they blacked out, had they not blacked out the outcome of their futures would not have been the same. But you watch as the characters live out their lives, some trying to insure that their future happens just the way they saw it, others trying to do everything they can to stop it. And in both instances, the future happens as closely as possible to what they saw.
So the question is, in hearing seeing or reading ‘prophecies’ or predictions of the future, do we have the power to change the future? Or in trying to avoid the prediction, do we cause the prediction to take effect anyway?

There is a reason predicting the future is haraam (not permissible) meaning should not be done at ALL. The very thought that we have a specific density, whether true or not, to fulfil denotes that as humans we have no choice the matter. The whole point of life, and earth is, the choice of man. As humans we have a free will that is stronger than any other creation. So if we all have a specific destiny to follow...where does our choice land us? On different side roads that all land at the same spot? I use to think so. My understanding of destiny and choice has changed. I have recently realised that dua (prayer) and free will can change our destiny. So can the evil eye.

Therefore your destiny is not written in stone.

Weird

I don’t know if this was a coincidence or was it destiny full circle crap.

But I wanted to blog about something and then realised that I might have blogged about it before. So just to be sure, I checked my archives. And decided, to just see what was the date of my first blog.

It was the 6th of October 2008. Then I realised TODAY is the 6th of October!!!!

Very weird.

But anyway...Happy Blogger Birthday to me!

He makes it all better...

Lets face it, any game where he walks away blood free, is a good game.

I'll be dreaming.

This was suppose to be a reflective post, but it just turned into an anger fit.

I seem to attract guys who are broken. This is worse than bad boys, it’s like bad boys in retirement. They have lived their lives, now they want to ‘settle down’ aka, ‘wanting a reason to be a good and having wife will fulfil the emptiness they have been running away from for so long. I have to admit, I was one of those girls who was attracted to the bad boy because I wanted to save them. But I have hung up my cape. I am a superhero no more. So WHY do I still attract guys like this?
Even though I believe I am worth more, even though I want more. I seem to attract less than. And I wonder sometimes, maybe we are just not going to get what we want. And this is the Universe's way of saying “this is all you're ever going to get...so stop complaining and get on with it”. Should I give up what I want, for what is real? But I do know people who marry their perfect spouse...so shouldn’t I try? But then, am I letting perfectly good partners go because they don’t fit my ideal? I hate this. I really do. Because in essence I don’t want to be judged according to my education, religions practices or financial status, yet I judge guys on those things. I’m looking for a husband like shopping for shoes...and that is not the way we should treat people.

I officially hate The Boy. You know what he did? He made me see everything in my life that I was lacking. And all the things I will never have. I am so over it now. I’m over him and my stupid illusion. He makes me sick. Right now, I want to throw rotten tomatoes at him and say 'how does it feel huh?' I really really hate him! I wish I never met him. I wish I never knew all the things that I was missing. Effen asshole, with his perfect life and even perfecter girlfriend. They gonna go on and have dozens of perfect children. And he is going to die, an old man with perfect great grandchildren. Asshole. I don’t wish him ill. I really do wish him all the good things. But I just want him to Leave. Me. Alone! Okay.

I’m done looking. I’m done questioning. I’m just done.
I have to go and work now. Bye. Asshole!

Inception and Matrix is not the same. Full Stop.

I always try and stay objective, and try not to state my opinion as fact.

But not this time.

Let us just get one thing straight....Matrix and Inception are NOT the same thing.

The underlying theme of the Matrix movies is the questioning of destiny vs. choice. For the characters, what is real is Zion. What is the ‘dream’ or in this case the illusion is the Matrix. The people who are still plugged into the Matrix is not the focus...yes they exist, which means to them, reality is skewed but to the central characters they already know what is real and what is not. What they don’t know is why they are where they are, and what do they do in order to attain freedom. Matrix is about machines creating and controlling reality for humans who are just puppets in the Matrix. The movies make the viewer question what is real or not. We find ourselves basically asking, what if we plugged in? And if we are, how would we know? This is about freedom for the people.

Inception is completely different, while maybe at some point it deals with the similer topics. Inception is about the self, the subconscious and reality. There are a few times in my life, when I had dreams that were so real, that I didn’t even know I was having them, until I woke up. Now if you have ever had a dream like this, you will understand. The characters at some point enter each other’s dreams which in essence are each person’s version of reality which exists in their subconscious (like the dark part of your mind). Now the whole time, the viewer is questioning what is real or not but the key thing here is that they question whether the characters can tell the difference. In the subconscious the world of the dreamer, that is, your own reality comes to life. The dreamer or the person is the prisoner of themselves. The question here is what is reality? This is about freedom for the self.

The ability to bring other people into your world is very cool. But not something that happens in the Matrix. We don’t see what is happening in Neo’s mind. But what is happening in the programme. His mind might be plugged into the machine which can be seen as a ‘dream’ but in Inception everyone is plugged into the dreamer.

Get it? I found this, which explains the whole 5 stages of dreams, which is cool.

At some point in social sciences you get to a point where you question the very nature of reality. Because the truth is, that how we define objects or colours for example is taught to us. Through culture, society and so forth. But the reality is, that each person might be seeing something different, but we all learn to categorise it the same why. For example, seeing the colour blue. How do we all know that everyone’s definition of what blue looks like looks the same. We only know its blue because when we were younger we were taught that blue looks a certain way. So what if, half of the world saw the colour orange and the other saw the colour pink, but because some people in the past named that specific colour blue, we define it as blue. So the differentiation of colour is there, you see different colours and name them a certain way, but there is no guarantee that we all see the same thing. Unless there have been studies to prove otherwise, I’m sticking to my story.

If you are spiritual and believe that there are worlds that exist beyond the real world that we see, you will understand Inception MUCH better. I’ll blog about my theories a little later...which will not be for the faint hearted.

Lightbulb moment

Good and Evil are not the same thing.

They are not a dichotomy.

The Dichotomy is the vessel in which good and evil resides in.

The Object of Faith

People attach meaning to objects. We have always done it…and we will always do it. But, the understanding of what the object means and what meaning that
should be attach to it, is different for everyone. We all have our ‘perceptions’ of what the object means because each person will see the object differently. This meaning is then passed down from generation to generation. And most times forms part of our cultural norms.

Clothing is much the same thing. It is pieces of material that is sown together. The meaning behind the piece of clothing is mostly dictated by the designer. Either s/he wanted to capture the 60’s or design a garment that will make women seem thinner. The clothing has a bigger purpose than just covering the human body from the elements. Many people also use clothes to express how they feel. I am the type of person that dresses this way. If I feel good I look good.

Given the right circumstance a simple object like clothing becomes a political statement; a statement of identity as appose to a religious choice (as it should be) or an expression of the wearer. Hijjab is a perfect example of this.

Every Ramadaan it’s the same story, many girls who don’t normally wear hijjab (including myself) will now wear it for the duration of the month. For me, dressing differently keeps me constantly aware of the fact that this month is special. But the meaning of hijjab for me is much more complicated then just choosing an item of clothing to wear. It is for this reason that I do not wear hijjab every single day. (The reason I will discuss in a later post)

Let’s get one thing straight, I do not negate that I am suppose to wear hijjab. Why? Not because I want to be recognised as a Muslim, or my mother said so, or to hide my ‘beautiful’ hair from prying male eyes, BUT because Allah (SWT) said so. Full stop.


The meaning behind the hijjab is that people think that just because you wear it, you automatically have the characteristics of a good Muslim girl. This meaning behind hijjab is a socially constructed thing.

In other words, people perceive that by wearing this piece of clothing you automatically have a certain type of character. So because your head and/or body is covered you are innocent, respectable, and ‘good’. But here is the thing, I have a big mouth and tend to bob my head when I here music. So if I was wearing hijjab people would say, "Look at that girl, she has on hijjab but she is jiving in the street". So does that automatically make me a bad person? In the Quran, it doesn't say; wear hijjab because it will automatically make you a better person.

It does make me feel good to wear hijjab in this month. And to see all the other girls also do the same. It makes me feel connected to something greater, and there are times when I wish I felt like that all the time.

I recently got an email from someone that said “This is not hijjab” then it went on to describe a list of things. Now I do not disagree with theses points. It is valid and true. But what I don’t understand is why are you complaining? At least the girl is making an effort to be identified as a Muslim. Even if it is only for this month or only on Fridays. It is a step in the right direction. And yes, if someone is doing something wrong it should be pointed out to them, in a decent manner, and then they must make that choice for themselves.

No one, be it person, mufti or state has the right to dictate to people how they express their religion, culture or personality!! Whether it is telling them not to wear the niqab or telling them how to wear the hijjab.

NOTHING irritates me more than when I decide to wear a scarf and Muslim people ask me “Why you looking all holy all of a sudden?” As a Muslim it is your duty to say that I look good. Not question my faith because I look different.

I cannot say it as simply as this. Just because people wear hijjab, does not make them more faithful, pious or righteous. Because the hijjab is a physical object. This physical object does not have human characteristics; therefore the wearer does not automatically assume those things.

It’s like a crown doesn’t make a king. But the crown is a representation of his king hood. Hijjab does not make you a Muslim, but it is a physical expression of your religious choice of obeying the religious law.


The whole concept of Niquab and Hijjab is highly contested for many reasons. What we as Muslims need to understand is that our faith cannot be contained in an object; it is not sowed into the garments that we wear. That essentially what all people need to understand is that a scarf is just a scarf. And the meaning that we as people attach to it is not the same meaning as divinely ordained.

There are times when I don’t want to wear hijjab, just because I know that the Muslims who don’t wear it, are going to comment on it and think that I think, I’m all of a sudden better than them…and the women who do wear it, are going to look at me funny as if to say 'Oh whatever…You are only starting now…I’ve been doing this longer than you, therefore I’m a better Muslim than you.’ I read a blog where the commenter admits to judging women who don’t wear hijjab but make salaah. Then the objective of wearing hijjab (not to draw attention to myself) is defeated.

My criticism is not of commenter, but on her thinking that many many other Muslim women share. Let us remember that people are multi-faceted and that nothing is what it seems. Just because a girl does not wear hijjab does not mean that she does not make her salaah, or that she is less of a Muslim than you. Instead of commenting on the fact that some girls have their heads covered yet their bums open. Or that they are wearing a kurta but you can see their body shape.
Rather think, 'today that girl has made a choice to be identified as a Muslim'. Be proud of that fact. Rather comment on how beautiful women who suddenly wear hijjab look. Let us positively re-enforce behaviour.

Muslim women are the back bone of the society. We need to start treating each other with respect and understanding even though we don’t agree with each others decisions. Because Allah (SWT) has given all of us free will and a brain to think for ourselves.

So to the Muslim women out there today...which ever way you decide to express yourself and your religion, acknowledge that there is a right and wrong way to do it. Whichever choice you make it does not automatically make it 'right' but it is your choice and you will answer for it.

JM!

Dear Future Husband

I thought I saw you today. Driving in the car behind me. I tried to look again, but stopped myself. It is Ramadaan after all right? I'm not suppose to be looking.

But I miss you. I miss you? How can you miss something that you've never had? But I do.

I am excited...impatient almost, waiting for you. I am excited about the life that we would have together. The hours we would spend talking, and laughing and getting to know each other. I can't wait to get to know the real you, the one that hides behind that smile of yours. I've never seen you smile, but I'm sure its a beautiful one. I'm even excited about the fights that we will have. Because I know that from those fights, you and I will just grow as people and grow stronger together. I can't wait for the Eids that we will spend together, and the family functions and for the aunties that will ask us, 'so when are the babies coming?'. I can't wait to smell your after shave and wear your shirts and just wake up next to you. To travel the world with you.

I always thought you would present yourself to me in a huge wooden box with a big pink bow. Jump out and say 'Allah has sent me'. You laughing now, but its true. I ALWAYS believed that. Then someone told me it was not going to happen like that so I looked for you. I've been really looking for you this year. Maybe not to the best of my abilities, but I'm out there. And every time I think I see you walking pass me, or in the shopping mall or on the streets. I look again, and you've disappeared into this other man, with a wife and kids.

I met someone who I thought was JUST like you. I thought he had the same eyes as you and the same witty humour. The way he moved and spoke, and the way he looked at me. I thought it was you. But it wasn't. I'm worried that I'm getting too old for you, that my body is not what it looked like when I was 18. Day by day, my ass gets a little bigger, my boobs droop just a little bit more and I wonder...will you be okay with that? Day by day, I get just a little bit more set in my ways, I get a little bit more harder, more independent. And I wonder, will we be able to survive that?

But no matter what, I still believe. That Allah (SWT) will send you to me when he wills it. I just wish it would be sooner rather than later. I'm done looking for you...its your turn now...you need to come and find me okay? So get done already!

I know everything happens only in its given time, but this letter is just a small reminder, that I'm sill here, and I still believe.

I can't wait!!!

All My Future Love
T.

Inception

Like seriously…this movie was awesome. I wanted to stand up and clap for them.

Wow.

That’s all.

Notes from the Candy Store

Hello world.

It’s been a whole four weeks, of utter male beauty in sunny South Africa. Though you wouldn’t think it with all the depressed people running around recently.

First and foremost, Congratulations to Spain! For reaching top honours in football history. Thank you for bestowing us with your beauty!
This World cup has been a shocking! First because of all the unlikely teams to have been kicked out so early and second because I enjoyed it so!

Of all the fans, the Mexicans rock the hardest. So I’d like to say to Hector, Alejandro, Fernando, Ricardo and Moises (who is actually from Honduras but it’s all good), that I miss you all terribly!! I had so much fun, and I didn’t even go to a game, which I completely regret! But it was just not in my destiny.

But that did not stop me from spotting the hottest up-and-coming-half-naked-soccer players-that-will-make-lots-of-money-selling-perfume-one-day. Also known as if-I-could-have-four-husbands-this-is-who-they-would-be:

Number 1:

Abdelkader Ghezzal - Algeria

Number 2:

Gerard Piqué - Spain

Number 3:

Kevin Prince - Ghana

Number 4:

Lukas Podolski - Germany

Don't ask me who they play for outside of the world cup. I don't know, don't care. All I know is I'm willing to move to any country they want (**,)

Welcome to the Candy Store

I would like to just say Welcome to all the eye candy that has landed. I am loving the world cup fever going on right now an. But if I never hear the worlds 2010 World Cup South Africa again, I won’t be sad.

My prediction of the winner is really just based on two things. First - sexy players and second - patriotism. Which means, that I think South Africa is going to win, and if they don’t then the team that has the best looking players will.

In South Africa, Lance Davids is my eye Candy…

There has been all this worry from team USA about getting to South Africa safely. To the extent that they landed, trained…and nobody really even knew…or is it that people just don’t care? I don’t know but, even though I don’t want to admit it, they might just be the team that people need to look out for. I mean look at the skipper…

mmm…well let the games begin, the shirts be taken off and thighs be shown off.

Feel it…its here?

Don’t mind if I do ;D

Understanding Love

“In his heart, Frodo begins to understand…the quest will claim his life. You know this. It is a risk we all took...”

Understanding can hit you like a ton of bricks sometimes. Smacking you right between the eyes. And you wake up from your coma and you realise the world is different. It is not what you thought it was. Your thoughts was just a moment in a dream.

My obsession with Love has finally come to an end. Because I finally understand it.

It started with my reconnection to Mr. Smooth. I still had a cyber crush on him and I still knew it would never work, and then against my better judgment, I contacted him again. You know how they say, curiosity killed the cat? Well, curiosity killed the crush in this case. The minute I met him, I watched as my cyber crush, burst into a thousand little pieces, and then I watched as it caught on fire burning to a crisp and then the ashes scatter in the wind.

When I met Mr. Smooth, the complicated, multifaceted nature of the human being, (that I so understood and preached) was now in full colour for me to look at and interact with. At that moment I knew in my heart that I did not like him. It was not one specific thing but I just didn’t feel it. Even after all the things I knew about him, and all the good conversation we had online, the real world was different. From what I could tell, he liked me. But in my opinion, he liked me for all the wrong reasons. Then his constant “your beautiful”, “Angel” “sweetie” talk seriously annoyed me. It annoyed me, because I didn’t like him like that.

*Confession* I did the cardinal sin of being single. I thought about the stories I heard from people about how they met their spouses (it pains me to type this) but I wondered…what if this was it? What if this was my last chance to get married…what if he was a really good guy and would look after me and be the prince that I needed…what if…what if. I continued to talk to him, but made no effort to give him back what he was giving.

In the meantime…I met The Boy, who was much younger than me and one of my students *guilty look*. I felt myself drawn him. The Boy was from a very different world than I was. I don’t know what happened but I just felt different around him. I don’t know if it was just a physical attraction because he smelled so good. But people around me pointed out that I glowed like a fire fly recently and I wondered…was I in love? Or was I running away from Mr. Smooth and therefore fixating on a person who is so completely different from me that it would never, ever work? I was caught between two very different worlds and my fear questioned whether any of it was real. Slowly I let Mr. Smooth know that all his efforts of trying to win me over were done in vain. And I let my heart believe for just a second…what I felt for The Boy was real. The second passed and reality set in.

(I wrote a whole paragraph on all the things he did, said and the looks he gave me that made me think he liked me, then deleted it. Thanks to the whole Fred and Martha thing. Because this is not about me making excuses for liking him. This is about what liking The Boy and not liking Mr. Smooth made me realise)

I kept on asking people, how they knew if they were in love. I got all sorts of answers, the worst one was "You'll know it when you feel it". But then I wondered, how do you know that its love and not obsession or lust? Then someone told me "It’s real, when the other person feels it too" And it clicked. Yes, I agree, its real when the other person reciprocates. But I also know that people are much more complicated than that. There is no way of knowing that how you define being in love and how your partner defines being in love - is the same thing. So technically you will never know. But it is something that you believe.

What I realised is that Love has its uses. The feeling of Love makes us see and do things that we would not normally do. The Boy was so different from me that he made me look at the world differently which was part of the reason why I was attracted to him. I don't think I would have seen his perspective on things, had I not liked him. And this is the reason that Love has its uses. It’s to push us in ways and directions that I our imaginations would never dream. If you had to tell me last year this time that I would even look at The Boy, the way I did this year, I would tell you, your effen crazy. This I see as "destiny". A point that you have to be at, at a specific time, in order to learn the lesson. I also realised that now, I don't have such a aversion to guys who are younger than me.

People are looking for Love. The type of love that will make you fight for it, the type of love that will make you forget things like gham, and the fairness of one’s skin. But sometimes Love is the 'divine providence'. People who have a list of criteria that they want their perfect partner to be, sometimes meet the people from their list and then find stupid things wrong with them. Here love would be able to help them get over their issues. But that feeling, or inclination to say 'yes, okay, I want to spend the rest of my life with you' is just not there. That inclination can be seen as love, others call it destiny. I call it 'Divine providence'. Even if you meet the perfect person on paper, as Mr. Smooth was, or the perfect person in character like The Boy was, the point of connection will only happen if Allah (SWT) wills it to.

I never use to believe in this whole fantasized idea of love. And until it’s reciprocated, I still won’t believe, but I understand the use of Love and that I think that is my divine providence.

Men and Women

Of all the stuff, I have read....this piece of writing captures the essence and differences of men and women in a way that I could never even dream.

This story will haunt my thoughts on the subject of men and women for all eternity.

LL, you’re wisdom is much appreciated.

Thee Alice?

The 3D craze has hit movie goers hard.

In South Africa, there are two types of movie theaters, the ones for the poor people and the ones for the rich. I go to the former, because I am not going to pay so much money to watch the same movie, with softer seats.

Unless…its 3D.

So 3 3D movies later…and here is what I’ve come up with:.

The cat in Alice and Wonderland stole the show for me…this is the only part of this 3D experience which was awesome, everything else was kind of sub-standard for my liking. But I loved the story line, the visual richness and details and the fighting scene with Alice is strong, which I really appreciated. When I walked out of the theater I felt like I wasted my money on the 3D section just because I think I could have had just as much fun watching the normal one. This review describes it the best.

I LOVE Johnny Depp, but for me Martin Short, did a much better mad hatter.

The trailer of Clash of the Titans has definitely been put on my list! The way they used sound to sync movement has given the trailer a very unique element. This is done in other movies I know, but the way it is done in this one is what stands out for me. I was pleasantly surprised when I watched the movie and found that they carried that element throughout as well. The sound/music/whatever that accompanies the Cracken strikes fear in the heart of me. I’m sure Captain Jack would not have been able to survive that! The 3D effect was nice, and there was more depth to it than expected, but I think they should have rather spent that money on making Medusa scarier. She looked too animated for my liking. The Jinn were freaky, and according to reports don’t really look that so that irritated me a little. When I walked out, I felt like I didn’t waste my money, and that I really enjoyed the movie, so all in all *two very enthusiastic thumbs up from me!

Avatar is still the best. I understand all the technical reasons behind why this is possible. But I still feel that if you’re going to try and do 3D then Avatar has set a very high standard to live up to.

So movie makers need to really ask themselves…is the 3D going to hinder the movie more than help it? In Alice’s case I think it just complicated matters because it’s so rich already as for Clash, it gave it an extra boost but nothing out of this world. Had they done it properly it would have been able to contend with Avatar, but alas Cameron is still King of 3D.

Why do I love the World Cup?

Just click here and you will know.

:-P

The Message

Am I crazy for thinking that the Volcano eruption was pretty? I got some photos off of this site: http://moralfibre.co.za/blog/2010/04/spectacular-volcano-mother-earth-doing-it-with-style/





I love looking at lighting. It’s so beautiful, yet deadly. Sometimes where I live, we have the most beautiful lighting storms. It also acts like a message to me of Allah (SWT) wrath, and that I should never take anything lightly or for granted.

Love Obsession

I think I’m obsessed.

It’s not a particular person, well not this time, but rather with the very idea of Love. I want to understand it. I want to know how it happens, is there some type of sign or symptoms that you have? How do you know when you’re in love? What is love anyway? And if you’ve been in love more than once…which time was real. Is love even real?

The one thing I do know is that saying that you love someone means nothing, if they don’t feel the same way about you. And even then, what can you do with that persons love…you can’t eat it, or spend it. It does not change anything just because someone says ‘I love you’.

Biologically when a woman is fertile her body gives off all types of hormones and smells to attract a potential mate. This attraction will be stronger to the males that have the strongest immune system, and how can a women tell if a guy has a strong immune system? She can smell it in his sweat. Some also say the full moon is also to blame for people acting foolish and falling in love. Either way, people are more likely to fall in love in these periods of time. And I ask again…is any of it real?

I did realise that sometimes, falling in love has its uses. Personally, I’m against that whole notion of falling in love, because for me falling indicates that you will get hurt and I have to agree with Oprah, I don’t believe that love should hurt. But falling in love, allows people to act foolish, stupid even; saying things, doing things, and looking at people that they would not normally take an interest in. This is to create more genetic variation in their gene pool i.e. so that you can marry someone and have children outside of the people your normally use to and know. Maybe this is Gods way of making us get married to the people we are ‘meant’ to be with. And the outcome of which is really up to us. What we do with the opportunity we were given.

I’d like to hear your thoughts on the matter. I would love to know if girls actually do romantic stuff for guys? And in this world where chivalry is not required, is there guys who still do romantic stuff.

I just wanna know…for interest sake.

Blog Meets

Recently I’ve been invited to two blog meets.

As I have said before, people are multi-dimensional. And we only expose one side of ourselves in certain situations. The blog is like any online thing…it is only one dimensional. To assume you know who someone is just by reading their blogs is a bit ridiculous. While I do have some bloggers on my facebook, and I have met him and her, face to face, I would like to keep my three worlds separate. They didn’t know I was a ‘blogger’ until after I met them, which I felt a little better about.

Basically what I’m saying is that I will never attend a blog meet. Maybe not never…but definitely not now. I would agree to meet bloggers, (if they initiate) one on one…but that is it. I would not be able to look at everyone in the eyes and know that they read the crap I write, while we down barbecue wings. It’s just not going to happen.

So while some people use this as a means of creating a social network…which is cool. I use it, as a way to vent. I really do wish Mash has an awesome time here, and I wish he had more time, but sorry dude…maybe next time!

Enjoy your stay…and eat a lot before you leave k?

What I wanted to be...

Ever since I can remember, I always associated adventure, mystery and excitement with two iconic figures. The first was Nancy Drew. I loved reading the books and I think to a large extent it encouraged my analytical thinking

The second was Lois Lane. Man, I wanted to be her! When I started university I actually wanted to become a journalist. You know…find the scoop…expose the truth and all the other excitement that went with it. I think to a certain extent the eager, hard hitting journalist who uncovers the truth has been one of those perceptions that have changed the world forever.

When you think of Lois Lane, what is the first thing you think of? Besides her being in love with superman. My thought is someone who stood for justice, honour and righteousness. Not someone who sensationalized stories so that the Daily Planet can draw more advertisers, so they can pull more readers! And why do they do this…to make more money. That is essentially what the media has come to.

When I watch CNN, I laugh, because even the way they speak is so dramatized! Like they are so passionate about what they are saying that it has to be true! Which is not the case. To a large extent, I see journalists as quite ego centric, because they only really chase stories that will give the most shock value to their viewers. They are paid to stand there and say things or write things that their bosses approve of. It is not there journalistic integrity for the truth that drives them these days, but their desire for status, power and the money their book deal will bring them one day. Some might say so what if they want to make money…does that mean that the news needs to be entertaining?

I worked at a radio station at University and as a result made friends with a lot of journalists that are working for some of the main radio news stations currently. I love my friends to bits, but I have to say that I hate journalism. It is the most pretentious industry on the planet. They hide behind the idea of exposing the truth in order to right the wrongs, but in actual fact all they really want to do is make money. Which is fine if everyone knows that is what your main goal is. Because there are people who do not question the media’s motives, and take what they say as gospel. But this gospel is highly biased.

The result of highly sensationalized news can be seen in many cases. In South Africa this whole Malema and AWB thing is a classic example of how the media has blown things out of proportion. (They are both idiots and have now turned a small bad situation bigger and even worse!) A situation, that the western media has also blown completely out of proportion, despite what you might think…people are not attacking each other based on race.

The line between sensationalism and 'truth' is completely blurred in the media today.

Journalists have to take a page out of the Anthropologists field journal and re-learn how to tell the story, without becoming sleazy. I don’t think it will ever happen but in the mean time…don’t believe everything you read or see in the news.

P.S. In the last Superman movie…Lois has Superman’s son, but is engaged to someone else…does anyone know when the hell is she going to realise that Superman is Clark? She can break every story on the planet but the most important one that is sitting right in front of her she can see? Stupid woman!

Dead Blog

From what I see there are hundreds of them.

Different types of http's of wordpress and blogspots floating around in cyberspace with the words and thoughts of people all over the world.

Unchanged. Frozen. In time and space. And I wonder about them. Where are those people who wrote those words? Are they happy now? That’s why they feel that they don't need to bitch about their lives anymore?

Are they still alive? Have they lost the battles that they use to speak so often about? I came across this blog which I think is really cool and funny. But there has not been any action recently.

I find it kinda sad though, to think of all the blogs out there…never to have their happy endings...just left like that, as if their 'masters' have died. Its like an unfinished painting. You will never really know what the artist was thinking about when it was first visualized.

It makes me wonder when will my blog die?
Or will I end it with a happy note?

A Book to Read

I love reading, but being an academic has ruined reading for me.

It takes me a very long time to get into the groove of a book. There are a few books that has changed the way I see the world. At the top of this list is The ROAD TO MAKKAH/MECCA by Muhammad Asad.

Read an extract on her blog here.

Every Muslim, born in "Western" or previously colonised lands should read this book!!!

It is as if Muhammad Asad wrote this book yesterday. Everything he says is relevant to our world today in a way that shakes the very core of your being. IF you understand the context in which he writes.

When I was done with it, I wanted to sell everything I have (which is not much), buy a camel and move to the dessert. The beginning is a bit tedious…but its VERY important, as it sets the tone for the whole book, and it’s a very important part of the politics and history that affects us today. And the most important thing about this book is that it is his real life experiences. This is not a work of fiction that his poetic flow might allude to.

There are two things that are written in this book, that have changed my life forever. The one is the whole idea that everything that is happening to you, is just your share of all the things that is happening. Basically, everone is going through stuff, what ever is happening to you is just your share of it. This put me at ease about the struggles that I face or have faced.

The second is something that I am still wrestling with and I’m trying to change the way I think about it. The whole idea that “destiny” is something that you have a share in…and most importantly as Muslims the way we see destiny and the way the “West” has depicted it is two completely different things. The “West” sees destiny as something that you need to either find, or something that happens to you. But as he describes in this book, destiny is something that we live with. It is happening every day, and it is something that we have a part in. This is where our choices come in.

It took me a very long time to actually get into this book but once I did, I couldn’t put it down. The way he describes his love for his wife, his experience in Medina and his conversion to Islam brought tears to my eyes and made me question the purpose of my own life.

And only an excellent book can do that!!

Top Movie Trailer list

I love going early to the movies to watch the trailers. Some trailers are even better than the movie. So I've put a list together of 15 of my favourite movie trailers. I tried 10, but I like extra 5 too much not to note it.

I judge a movie trailer on the ability to tell a story, the flow and its ability to make me want to watch the movie. Sorry if the quality is bit crap...did not have enough bandwidth to go searching for nice ones.

Number 15
Take the lead
I love this because it always makes me want to dance, in a way that other dancing movies have not. It has good story and flow.



Number 14
300
It has flow, imagination and excitement in the story



Number 13
Memiors of a Geisha
The flow and story is very good.



Number 12
Hero
The excitement and beauty of this trailer, always makes me want to watch the movie. Even though the movie was good, but not as good as the trailer.



Number 11
Fame 2009
Some people didn’t like the movie, but I did. Not your conventional dance movie, this trailer shows emotion in a good flow.



Number 10
Gladiator
The movie is a legend, and so is the trailer. It gives me goose bumps even though some of the fighting stunts look fake!



Number 9
17 again
Every time I watch this I laugh. It has the story, the flow and humour.



The next couple of trailers, I think I’ve watched the movie at least 20 times. But every time I watch the trailers I get excited and want to watch the movie again.

Number 8
Transformers
This has action, story, flow and goose bumps.



Number 7
Troy
The look of this always makes me want to move to the Mediterranean coast. I just love it.



Number 6
Kingdom of heaven
This always makes me want to learn more about Jerusalm and its history. Its Beautiful.



Number 5
Peter Pan
This brings back my childish need for adventure. The song made this trailer, but the humour gave it substance.



Number 4
Pirates of the Caribbean
This gives me adult adventure vibes. The flow and story is amazing.



Number 3
The Mummy 3
For me the movie did not make a huge impact. It was nice, but as far as I’m concerned, The Mummy ended at 2. The reason this is at number 3, is because I think the creators did an excellent job, of giving the viewers the story, flow, adventure and excitement of the first two. At the same time hiding all the changes, including the new actress that played Eve and the annoying older son. Lesson number one for sequels. ALWAYS keep the original cast. Even if they die. Bring them back…just like Jack!



Number 2
Chronicles of Narnia 2
I love Prince Caspian. He is so cute. Besides that, it captures the action, adventure, drama and makes me want to watch it again and again.



This might not surprise some, but for others….

Number 1
Spiderman 2
In the trailer, it shows that the story is taken to a whole new level. Action, adventure, story, flow, excitement. This has it all!



This does not feature in my list but I just like looking at it...why? Because I liked the books, and the trailer is closer to the book, than the movie, and the movie is quite close. It has great flow as well.

New Moon

Happily Ever After

Looking for a spouse through internet dating is like looking for shells on a beach in the morning. There are hundreds of them, all interesting and pretty, some are crab parts that look like shells, but there are only a few that really catch your attention.


If you type Muslim dating websites on Google, you will find thousands of sites and if you leave the Muslim part out, you will find even more, that advertise you finding your soul mate. There are sites to meet millionaires, disabled people, married people and if you have any other fetish, I’m sure it’s out there somewhere in cyberspace.

As I looked for my shells, I found myself on the internet constantly. I was sick of staring at a computer screen but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to see who showed interest in me or who sent me messages. But after a couple of weeks all the interaction died down (which I expected). And when I logged on and saw no action, I was disappointed. For the first time I realized the allure of ‘dating’. It was exciting to meet new guys, who were completely different to the last one I spoke to. And the international guys always had the best stories. The high of finding ‘the one’ was much more exciting than actually finding him. Which left me with a very big question, can you really find a partner on the internet?

The thing is that your profile is one dimensional. It’s no better than a piece of paper with information or stats on it. A person’s height, weight, ethnicity (which they even have mixed as an option, whoo hoo for the mixed breeds!!) is placed on view in an attempt for people to find a common ground which might spark interest and then conversation. To add to the statistics the description of yourself, so that it can help the reader find out more about you and the description of what you’re looking for, to describe your intentions on the site, try to give a better picture of who you are. All good and well…in theory.

The whole idea of a Muslim woman looking for a husband denotes a certain level of desperation in ‘modern’ society. If she is seen on a website, it complicates things even more because in Islam, women are not suppose to be put on ‘display’. And there is no bigger display than on the internet. It is this idea that I think is the major reason for many of the girls that are on the dating sites, (especially muslima.com) to not to complete their profile, leaving only essential details, and not adding a picture to their profile. The problem with this is that males are highly visual creatures. If they don’t see it, they don’t believe it. And if they do talk a girl without a picture, it’s because he has talked to all the girls with pictures already and lost interest or he already made a picture of the faceless girl in his head from the information that she gave.

The guys are no better. Women tend to be less visual. I am not saying that women are not lured by good looks. All the good looking guys I saw, I showed interest in, even if they didn’t speak English. But in reality I knew that that was more of an indulgence than a possibility. Most of the time us women tend to rely on the description of the man. Men, especially in South Africa don’t fill in all the detail that they should, especially who they are, and what they are looking for. Some men (mostly international) show how much they earn, which I have to relate to some primal instinct of theirs to demonstrate that they can take of the girl (which I actually find sweet). And if they do put a description down, they spend three sentences describing themselves and the rest of the 20 describing what they want. And the WORST mistake of all that guys make, is in writing…I’m looking for a beautiful girl. Some release how shallow this sounds and add both inside and out. Now gentleman. Please take my advice today. If EVER a woman responds to something like this, she is saying one of two things. She is either conceited and thinks that she is beautiful (which in my experiences means that she actually looks the opposite) or she wants you to think that she is beautiful, but in reality she knows it’s a lie. So you have a choice between a girl who is conceited or a liar. Mmm…which one will you choose?*Sarcastic tone*

In both cases, this is very bad. Because as humans we are multifaceted and a person’s perception is rarely ever reality. What is beauty anyway? Is it not defined by the eye of the beholder? Put that together with the fact that people are not honest to themselves let alone to other people, the situation can become very complex.

We use a one dimensional description to describe something that is multidimensional. The reader often uses his or her own experience to interpret what they are seeing and reading. For example, they use their own scale to define what is beautiful or what is ‘good’, in the I want a good person description. But it does not matter how much description you give or how many questions you answer. Nothing can prepare you for seeing someone’s manners. A girlfriend of mine described this guy who was prince charming on the phone, but once she went out for coffee with him, he was untidy. Messing sugar all over the table and being rude to the waitress. This to her was a big no no, because she valued respect and manners higher than anything.

Likely, all my meetings have not been that bad, but paying for the coffee as well as giving the guy a lift back to his house, in my book is a huge no no. Not because I didn’t sympathize with his broke situation, but because I think if you really liked a girl, you would not want her to know things like that about you. Needless to say, I haven’t found a partner yet. But, I have learned a lot about guys and people in general.

The one thing I learned is that as a Muslim, we are very aware that nothing happens without the will of the Almighty. I know someone who never went anywhere in his whole life. He would always sit at home, with his father. And how did he meet his wife? She moved in, next door to him. So the whole putting yourself out there thing…in my opinion (while it can be fun at times) is a lie. If you are meant to get married, you will. It will not happen a second earlier or later than God wills it to.

So after all that, I ask again. Can you find a partner in internet dating? I think yes. The key is how we go about doing it. Here is a couple of things that I learned:

1. Always fill in every single inch of the questions that are posed by the site. They do it for a reason. Trust them.
2. HONESTY. No sense is filling your profile with a lies.
3. For women, put the best picture you have on the internet. Besides the pouting sex kitten. Don’t worry about your neighbor’s aunties, cousin that might see you and think you desperate. The world is a different place than it was a couple of years ago, and this might be safer than accepting any creep that gives you his number in Mr. Price.
4. For Men, DO NOT say you want a beautiful woman! Describe qualities that you think is beautiful. And if you want someone that is physically beautiful, then describe those too. And good luck with that. Two seconds on your shelf, and both you and her will be fishing in the married and looking sites, oh and keep the what your wearing questions for after the wedding
   
5. Look at your profile and ask yourself, if this had to be an opposite sex’s profile, would you take the time to read it? Would you be interested?
6. Meet as quickly as possible. If you chat to someone nice on Monday, meet them the Saturday, and if they can’t make it. Move on. Because your imagination will run away with you, and any chance s/he might have had is lost. Because no one can compete with your imagination.
7. Ladies…always take someone with you no matter how big his beard is. Get them to sit at a table in eye sight of you, and try not to show that you know them. No decent guy would like to know that he is being watched by your uncle. If you don’t have a guy you can trust, take more than one girlfriend. Never let your date see what car you drive. Once your date is over… have a meeting spot with your friends, walk around awhile, then leave. MOST importantly…pray, and always trust your instincts.
8. This one is difficult, but NEVER give all your contact info. Don’t give your facebook, gmail chat, cell number, email and home number. That’s just stupid. Choose one, and only give your number right before you meet. If they find you on FB without your permission. Accept, then block as soon as possible. You can always explain, and unblock at a later stage. Besides no one likes a stalker, and with FB’s new settings, they can add all your friends, before you get a chance to get to know the freak in them, and you blocking them will not help, because they can ask your friends about you, without you knowing.
9. I don’t like the idea of lying about your name. I feel like, I liked a Muhammed, I want a Muhammed, not an Ebrahim. Simple solution for FB stalking…don’t sign up with your surname.
10. Don’t try and find your husband or wife. Get to know the person. And then decide if this person will be a good partner for you. Because often, our idea of what is good for us, and what really is good for us is different. Physical chemistry, how you feel when your around that person…comfortable, excited, disgusted…is what counts 90% of the decisions we make. Even if we don’t admit it.

In life, you just never know. For years and years, you can go on, doing the same thing and then one day your life has changed forever. The key thing I think is to make sure that you are okay. Think of it this way, would you walk into a shop and buy something that is broken? No you wouldn’t. No matter how beautiful it is. It is the same thing with people. Nobody wants someone who is broken. People go through shit every day, its what makes us strong, unique even. But you want to know that the person your interested in has learned from his hardships, and is not defined by it. If your still hurting, if your still broken. Fix yourself before you go and look for a wife or husband. In my experience you get exactly what you are.

So from all the guys I have attracted, the one thing I have learned is that I need to fill my kitchen, before I go and invite people for supper.

Kissing all the Frogs

I realized that in order to really do this, I would have to utilize more than one website. Just to see what would the response would be like on each of them and if they were different. Within three days of uploading my profile I got quite a few responses. Questions like where do you live, where do you work, and what do you do for fun, I have answered until I am blue in the face. If I never have to answer these questions again, I will be the happiest person on earth!

The guys, who did respond to my profile, were actually quite normal decent guys. There were a lot of IT and Finance guys who made me wonder…do they not get enough work to do? Because most of them are online during the day. They seemed to like the same things I liked, adventure, Lord of the Rings, food. And I even scored an intellectual conversation here and there. But then, after getting to know each other for an hour, they go right for the jugular… “So why are you here?” First I thought, boy! Do you not read? It’s right there in black and white. But I answered “I want to get married”.

The second dreaded question “So what do you want in a husband”, my answer was simple…someone who is a partner, not a father or son. Someone who I can live my life with. Someone who deals with his shit and does not bring it to my door. Oi…and then the other shoe dropped.

Mr. Software constantly told me that he was spoiled with love. What the fuck does that mean? Was what I wanted to ask him. When we met it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. He just stared at me, and I was so nervous, I was asking him all kinds of questions to get over the awkwardness and he just gave one word answers. Mr. Web, was not only mature in age and intellect, but was also married, for a very short time. Found out his ex-wife was pregnant and has been trying to get custody of the son, which he didn't know if it really was his, from his neglectful mother and psycho new husband. Mr. Dimple was a very sweet guy…but he was shorter than me, which I found out only when he made the effort *which he got two gold stars for* to come and meet me at a place where he never would have went to. But the incessant talk of his fiancé’s excessive spending habits, and ultimately the eventual crushing of his heart with her stilletoe heal that he paid for, really put a dampen on things. He kept on telling me all the things he had ready for his wife…she would be lucky, her own house and stuffs…but she won’t travel anywhere. Mr. Dubai floored me when he asked for my number and hit my breath out, when he actually called…twice.

But my favorite was Mr. Smooth, a widower with two small kids. He was everything I wanted on paper. And to top it all off, he was funny. I realised that I could really fall for this guy…*cue mills and boon story line with a happy ever after and me being called mummy*. While in the fantasy, this would be possible, the reality was completely different. The reality was, I couldn’t be second best to my husband. And when kids are involved the rules are different and they always come first. And I would never ask a father to make such a sacrifice. I expressed this to him to which he replied, that he might have been 99% of what I was looking for, after that answer I was 100% what he was looking for. But that he understood and I haven’t heard from him since.

I was upset, and even wondered if this guy was ‘the one’. Then I remembered what I always said about ‘the one’. That it didn’t exists, it was a dream we made ourselves believe. And then I also realized that Mr. Smooth would obviously show me only his best side. And so would the others. But what stared at me in the face was that the broken side of them, the side that came with baggage was unavoidable and even to a certain extent intensified because of the internet. And its the partners brokeness that could be the breaking point of the realationship...

To Be Concluded…

Love in the Rinse cycle

February, the month of love.
How magical, how seductive, how effen stupid.

Since I was 16 years old, there was always one question that would have crushed my chillie if I had one. ‘So do you have someone special?’ It didn’t take me long to realise that one, everyone wants to know about your love life and two, if you didn’t have one, there was something wrong with you. Even though you were muslim, and you were not suppose to have a boyfriend because it was haraam. People, even the older ones would want to know.

The world was divided into to groups. Those with ‘someone special’ and those without. As 2010 started, I felt daring, adventurous almost and decided that before someone asked me, if I had someone special, I would try and put my self ‘out there’, as I’ve been told a million times. FYI, between studies, sports and family obligations, I didn’t have time to go out and meet new people, because the free time I had I was catching up on things like sleep and movies.

So I started internet dating. For real this time. *grasp* yes internet dating. I did play around with the idea before. But I lost interest. Now I was serious.

Hey, don’t look at the screen like that, I was not desperate. I was curious. I decided to be as honest as possible. I was there to find a partner (male) to get married to and life my life with. I filled in every question muslima asked me and even put a real photo of myself. Your allowed to *grasp* now. And then I thought, what if someone I knew saw me? What are they going to think? That I’m so pathetic, that I cant meet anyone and now I’m desperate to get married? Then she told me, why do you care? If that’s what they think, then why are they on the site looking at you? I felt a little better, but then I thought, what if someone I don’t like sees me. So I decided to put a reason to my madness and decided that I would actually do a paper on Love.

And use my internet dating experiences to see if love can really be found in this medium. This is why I decided to tell as many people as I could that I was internet dating. That way if they saw me on some site, it would not be a surprise to them. Most people did exactly what I thought they would. They had shock, then pity, then a smile on their faces when I told them it was for research.

I will not lie, I had my own preconceived notion on what to expect. Freaks I knew I would get, but honestly I hoped that I would actually find my soul mate there. The good thing about it, is that everyone on muslima, knows why everyone is there. The goal is marriage. That is the standard, so if you are there for just a random fling, it’s strange. In the ‘real’ world, the norm is to look for a fling, to say your looking for a wife or husband is strange and most of the time actually scares the other person off.

So there I was, in full view of the internet world, I told both my parents and they could not have been happier. I was excited…and scared...what if I actually got what I was looking for?

To Be Continued…