I seem to attract guys who are broken. This is worse than bad boys, it’s like bad boys in retirement. They have lived their lives, now they want to ‘settle down’ aka, ‘wanting a reason to be a good and having wife will fulfil the emptiness they have been running away from for so long. I have to admit, I was one of those girls who was attracted to the bad boy because I wanted to save them. But I have hung up my cape. I am a superhero no more. So WHY do I still attract guys like this?
Even though I believe I am worth more, even though I want more. I seem to attract less than. And I wonder sometimes, maybe we are just not going to get what we want. And this is the Universe's way of saying “this is all you're ever going to get...so stop complaining and get on with it”. Should I give up what I want, for what is real? But I do know people who marry their perfect spouse...so shouldn’t I try? But then, am I letting perfectly good partners go because they don’t fit my ideal? I hate this. I really do. Because in essence I don’t want to be judged according to my education, religions practices or financial status, yet I judge guys on those things. I’m looking for a husband like shopping for shoes...and that is not the way we should treat people.
I officially hate The Boy. You know what he did? He made me see everything in my life that I was lacking. And all the things I will never have. I am so over it now. I’m over him and my stupid illusion. He makes me sick. Right now, I want to throw rotten tomatoes at him and say 'how does it feel huh?' I really really hate him! I wish I never met him. I wish I never knew all the things that I was missing. Effen asshole, with his perfect life and even perfecter girlfriend. They gonna go on and have dozens of perfect children. And he is going to die, an old man with perfect great grandchildren. Asshole. I don’t wish him ill. I really do wish him all the good things. But I just want him to Leave. Me. Alone! Okay.
I’m done looking. I’m done questioning. I’m just done.
I have to go and work now. Bye. Asshole!
The book (that’s still on the way)
1 day ago