Friday, June 12, 2009


I have a theory.

What if we were only mean to have or meet a certain number of people in our lifetime?

In 1960 something, the population of the place I live in was around 60 000 people. It has grown since then, yet when I go to the shop I see the same people, all the time. When I go to a shopping mall inside as well as outside my residence I see the same people. And if I do see some one ‘new’ it is for a very brief time. Now do I just know everyone in my neighborhood? Nope. Or do I just not notice the people I don’t know? Could be. But why is it that when I go on Facebook and check on the status updates I always only see 5 or 6 people out of 100 and something friends? Now I do understand that not all people have status or update there status as often but I think its strange.

So this is where my theory comes in. Our lives are like wheels (you know those wheels inside a clock, I don’t know what they called). Now I didn’t do science but, if the wheels were moving (you know how they interlink) towards each other at the same time, there would be certain points that would come into contact with each other repeatedly no?

What if we were only really meant to have like 1000 people in our lives at a time. And no matter what you did to ‘meet new people’ or to ‘get out into the world’ you would constantly see or meet people within those 1000 people? And if one of those 1000 people die or leave you, another person comes into your life to take that place. So you would ask what about those people who have more friends than others. Well, not all of us have the same amount of people who are meant to be in our lives, some might have 500 or some might have 10 000.

And when we let go of those people in our lives who are harmful or toxic to us or who have hurt us, only then will new people take that place. We can also get caught up, in either allowing the same type of person to step into that open space or we can choose to let someone in who is better than the last person.

And that is why I am not married. My husband has not yet worked his way into my circle yet. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


I remember it. The sweat rolling down my face and burning my eyes. My muscles were on fire. I breathed so hard it felt like my rib cage was going to crack. There was no music spurring me on. Just my heart pounding in my ears, and me saying to myself, one minute is nothing. But each second passes by like a thousand years. And with each second you think you not going to make it. I was going to give up, and just before I did, I heard the most beautiful word in my life “relax”. It was done. I finally finished my Black Belt promotion.

I worked my ass off for seven years. Five days a week, and sometimes on weekends, I worked. I gave my sweat, blood and tears to something that I though was great. Do you know what it is like to feel like you were born to do something? When I started Karate, for the second time, I was 14. And I was a natural. It took me half the time to learn the stuff than the other people. I started teaching much earlier than any of the others. I was brilliant. When I was at a tournament everyone would watch me. When I put on that suite I became someone else. As a child I was completely shy, I would hide behind her skirt all the time. But Karate helped me handle being the centre of attention. When I walked into the class, people would say “there she” and if I was not there they would ask where am I. I was like a celebrity. I had Power. It was AMAZING. But nothing lasts forever.

In hindsight, I was cocky and arrogant. I loved being admired and liked and even feared. But at the core, I believed in what Karate represented, I still do. I see it as an Art. And very few people actually do. People often see it as a way of kicking someone ass, but I look at a fighting scene like an artist would study van Gogh.

The truth was, I was given too much power too soon. But power comes with a price. And as long as I was getting something out of it, I was okay. But it started becoming too much. I didn’t just do Karate, I became it. My teacher tried to control my life. What I wanted to study and where I wanted to go, he wanted to know everything. Everyone always said I was his star pupil. But really what I was was his pawn. If he said jump, he wanted me to say how high. And I did to an extent. Then I just started doing what I wanted to do. I didn’t listen to him, because I knew he needed me to teach because I was a natural at it. I didn’t abuse the power I had, all I did was the run class they way I saw fit. Instead of doing it because I loved it, I started doing it, because I had to. The pressure of living my life according to what was expected of me became so much, until one day I cracked. The very pedestal that people put me on, the one where I was having such a nice time on, became a burden.

I remember telling him, that I was resigning…I wrote out my letter and everything. I will never forget the look on his face. A few days before we had an argument and he threatened to take my belt away. I couldn’t believe it. Here I had sacrificed my personal life. When he asked me to cover for him, I did. After all the sacrifices I had to make, this fucker was telling me, he would take MY belt away??? It wasn’t that he wanted to take the belt away, it was that he threatened to do it, because I didn’t agree with him, that really pissed me off! I was so angry and insulted. I didn’t need karate, karate needed me. And for the longest time, I was doing something that made me unhappy because I thought it was the right thing to do. When I gave him the letter, he was begging me to stay. BEGGING…a grown ass man begging me to stay. I was disgusted. My father hated him. And I though it was because he treated me like a daughter, but at that moment it dawned on me. Does this guy see me as something else? I felt betrayed. I trusted him, and for him to see me as anything else than a student or even a daughter was for me a betrayal. I walked out and got into the car, and he was following me and still begging, my mother was driving and he was trying to tell her, to tell me to stay. WTF? I was thinking to myself. Did I let it get this sick? I blamed myself for a while, because I let him think that he had sway over me. But not anymore, because I know now, that I can’t control other people, all I can control is myself.

To leave was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. It’s like I gave up a huge part of me. I felt empty for a long time. Then I realised that I was in love with being admired and liked and adored. I was listening to the story of one of the guys from Colour me bad and it was like I knew what he was feeling. He became an alcoholic, because he couldn’t handle being just normal. Not having so many people love you. My ego went from a giant to none existent in a matter of days. It was horrible. But it was the best thing that ever happened for me. I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Before Karate, I felt like nothing and it gave me confidence to go out into the world, and I felt worthy. But I realised, that my worth is not dependent upon what I do, my worth is who I am. And if you make what you do, who you are, when it leaves you, you will be left with nothing.

When I meet people or read some blogs, I can tell who needs that type of validation and who doesn’t. And I just look at these people and I pity them. I can sense that yearn, that greed for greatness. But little do they know of the price that it comes with.

My black belt hangs on my cupboard handle. I think its been there, ever since I left. I never had the strength to put it away. To put that part of me away. Because I miss it. I miss my friends that I had, and the jokes we use to make, and the camaraderie that we felt. I miss that feeling of doing kata’s and doing it perfectly. There I was perfect, and strong, and brave. And here…I’m just me. But not matter what, I would not go back. I will not give up me…for anything!

I am still angry at him, because I feel like I had to give up so much and yet I'm still a failure. I think what must people think of me. But then I console myself with the fact, that he needed me, so that he could make himself look good. And now I do things because I want to, not because I'm forced to.

If you had to tell me 15 years ago, that I would have done karate and gotton my black belt as well as teach other people, I would have told you that your dreaming. And if you told me like 3 years ago that I would leave karate, I would have said your crazy. I never thought I would be one of those people who say “Oh ja, I use to do karate also” I always thought that I would do it until I’m old and wrinkly. But that is the beauty of life. Things happen that you cannot imagine in your wildest dreams. So with this blog, I pack away my belt. And I’m looking forward to the rest of my wild dreams.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Too Much

I’ve heard all sorts of remedies for writers block. Shopping, drinking lots of water, watching LOTR etc.

But what do you do when your brain will not switch off? I’m thinking of a thousand things per minute. I‘ve got so many ideas that my head feels like it’s going to explode. And I don’t want to stop thinking about them because I’m scared that I’ll forget them. Because sometimes I do forget them. Then remember them again. My fingers can’t type fast enough. It is at this moment where I wish I had those nifty tentacles like Doc Ock. Besides the whole taking over your body and turning you evil, it would really help me right now.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Fighting Scenes

Here is the list for my top 10 favorite fighting scenes.

Just bubbling under, is not really fighting scenes…but I think this was very cool

No12. Wanted – When Angelina is driving the car and picks the guy up

No11. 300 – When the queen is standing in front of the council and that guy accuses her. She pulls out a knife and kills him.

Now a good fight scene for me, is fluid and looks different to all the other conventions. The fight should be in context you can't have people in the 18th centaury England doing Kung-fu. But having aliens doing kinda cool. Get it?

No10. Bridget Jones Diary II – fight between Mark Darcy and Daniel Clever freak’n hilarious!

No9. Troy – Hector and Achilles

No8. Watchmen – Prison Fight scene

No7. Matrix 2 – When they go and look for the key maker, it’s a little long but I like the whole thing

No6. Matrix 2 - Trinity's fight (and yes I use the name because of her), it is a bit old…but still cool for me

No5. LOTR 1: Moria fight

No4. Transformers – Optomis Prime vs. Megatron

No3. POC 2 – The three way fight was brilliant

No2. The Mummy II – Nefertiri VS. Anck-su-namun. There are very few women vs. women fight scenes that are not all claws and hair pulling. This one is pure art.

And drum Roll please…..

No1. Spiderman 2: Spiderman vs Doctor Ock. I am sure there is better out there…but this for me is like a perfection from start to finish.