Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fattest of them all....

In high school...I was a size 32/10. Not the end. The beginning. By the end, I was a size 34. And I thought I was fat.  I had an apostrophe when I read Saaleha’s blog. “Yet, today when I look at my high school pictures, I realise that I wasn’t really fat. I just wasn’t thin enough to blend in.” It was like lightning had struck my brain.

People young and old, for as long as I can remember would comment on my body. “You so thin”, “You have such a nice body” they would say. At a time in my life when I was so self conscious, my body and hormones were changing.  I was just coming to terms with the fact that I was now, a ‘Young lady’.

This made me feel horrible. I didn’t want to have a nice body. My five year old emotional brain thought - Because nice looking bodies were what tempted men.  And when you tempt men, you become a whore. And an old man would be tempted by my body, then break into my house, steal me and force me to get married to him. – Yes I believed this for much of my adolescence.

Not believed believed. It’s that inner voice, which controls your reality that really becomes your emotional brain, which sprouts all this shit to you. Even though people would tell me things about my body, which would seem like a compliment, my reality was very different. Every Muslim Indian girl that I knew all looked like 12 year old boys. And don’t get me started on the whole colour issue *covering eyes* I felt like a fat, “dark”, giant.

University was when I finally understood and liked the fact that I was a ‘young lady, and that I had a ‘nice body’.  I was active, practicing Karate 5 days a week, but I was still fat. I had a friend that was shorter than me, tiny, skinny and white. She became my antithesis. As well as the mould of the women I will forever loath (irrational but true). I used this duality as a starting point for my honours thesis.

Eventually I gave up karate, the one thing that made me feel good about myself. And guess what...I...got...Fat. Between then and now my body has been fluctuating between a size36 – 38. But the one constant thing is: I still feel fat.

I will never understand why people think that they have the right to comment on a woman’s body. It doesn’t matter what race, religion or political party you are, women’s bodies are always seen as a topic of discussion. Whether you’ve lost or gained weight, it’s the first thing people comment on. I think it’s absolutely rude. And any person, male or female, automatically looses my respect when they mention to me anything about my body. Doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative.

I’ve realised something, a while back and I’ve been wanting to write about it for quit some time. I’m addicted to food. Chocolate in particular. If there is any change in my emotion. I want to eat. On a bad day, I eat until it’s all finished. Until my tongue is cut. And once, when I heard or rather saw (this is why stalking is haraam) that The Boy had a girlfriend he was all public about. I ate so much that I threw up. Twice.

I never throw up. Never. I can eat a whole dagwood, chocolate, coldrink and go on the anaconda rollercoaster and still be fine.  By the second time it happened, I knew why. I realised it. And it changed the way I looked at food. Food addiction is not something that you are born with. It can happen at any time. I’m not shy to say I’m addicted to it. But people don’t take me seriously, because when they see me, I’m over weight and not obese. So I’m dramatic, not an addict.

Instead of throwing myself into food after the Hulk, I threw myself into gym. I need to just loose myself into something. And it felt great. I haven’t felt this good physically in a long time. And I wondered, why is it that we can punish ourselves with things that are bad for us, but not with things that are good for us?

I want to lose weight. But Saaleha reminded me that sometimes you have to just enjoy who you are. Take one day at a time. And make the choice that is the healthiest for you. The truth is, if you want to lose weight, it requires consistency and dedication and it will take up to a year. So I’m eating healthier, not all the time and I’m exercising consistently and I feel good.

Because it doesn’t matter how much weight you lose, if you don’t change how your see yourself and how you feel about yourself. You won’t change anything. 

Friday, November 2, 2012

And so out of the ashes of a pansy hero, arouse a Knight!

I was never one for Batman. Of all the heroes for me he was a pansy. But Dark Knight Rises has cured me.
I have said this before...in some far off blog but out of all the story lines, to be able to take VERY fictional characters, and give them a real story and add and edge of fear to them, is by far one of the most creative things I've ever seen.

I love the re-telling of old stories that can actually make you like the characters more. But it helps that I wasn’t a big fan. I’m sure some serious die-hards had issues with it. It was pointed out to me only yesterday that Miranda is actually Poison Ivy. Hey...like I said I wasn’t such a big fan, so when I watched the movie, it was with new eyes.

I guess that is the key to actually enjoying the remakes, and comic-type movie versions. You have to watch it, as if you don’t know the characters.

When Michelle Pfeiffer played cat woman, I totally loved her.  I didn’t like all the meowing and licking though. And Halle Berry...I don’t even want to think about it. But my oh my...the work they did with Anne Hathaway...I’m stunned. Finally a female superhero character/cat woman that I can not only respect, but who’s fighting style I can actually admire. None of that wild, lioness type, licking purring stuff. The words I am looking for are lithe, light, sleek and oh so lady like but of the iron variety. Fighting sequences were not something that I would put on my best fighting scenes, but the fighting style *Big high five*.

And then there was Bane.  Who at this moment in time, I’m completely in love with.  It’s the humanising of the bad boy, I can’t help it. And that voice! I’ll take one of those with a removable mask thank you ;)

Robin. I was totally gob-smacked when I found out he was Robin! I didn’t think they would add that story line because I had read an article where the director said it was his last movie. So why end it like that? But it was awesome.

I’ve watched it 3 times so far. And it was totally worth it.