Annoyed

I am just annoyed.

I'm annoyed at life and myself.

I have 10 things I need to do, 100 things I want to do and about 1000 idea's swimming in my brain and absolutely no output whatsoever.

I hate this weather. It's hot coolness makes me want to be outside. It also reminds me of something I long forgot, or maybe a dream I had, I'm not sure.

The feeling is uneasy, anticipating and nostalgic.

I want to go home and climb into my bed.

My dear friend

You bathe in your piety in front of me as if you were bathing in the fountain of youth. As if you now have holy blood in your veins. You’ve forgotten that you once walked in the darkness. I am glad for your enlightenment, really I am. But understand this, my dear friend; your enlightenment is not a seat of glory. It is not a medal of honour or a knighthood that you can boast about.

Your enlightenment came at a price. Do you not remember that? That you once dwelled in darkness, blind and unchanged. But now that you have found His love you dare to forget? Forget all the things that you have done? And all the things you are able to still do!

You will not find salvation is the war against other people’s sins. Salvation is only found in The One. The peace you find, when you see The One in everything He has created.

Guard your enlightenment my friend, because it is a fickle thing. One wrong step and the light will leave you and you will have no one else to blame but yourself.

It is easy to see the wrong doing of people. All their sins sing out to you like a beautiful siren, tempting your mind to forgo the light and enter the comfort of the darkness once more. I know that is why you rage against the sinners. You scream and claw at their faces in an effort to protect yourself. But what you don’t realise, is that before you know it, your hands will be covered with the blood of all the people you have condemned and corrupted, with your disdain for weakness.

Everyone knows that you are the weakest of us all. As you read this you are remembering all the things that you have done. And the darkness where you have dwelt. But let me tell you something dear friend, you have not seen true darkness.

When you have stared into it, and watched how it moved, and changed and grew. How it formed its red eyes, which pierces your soul. When it smiled at you with an evil knowing and bared its razor sharp fangs. When you watched as it came towards you salivating. And the only thing holding you is a bone crushing fear. When you have seen such darkness and are able to come back into the light. That is the day that you can begin to comprehend the true struggle of others.

Come out of the fountain my friend, cover yourself, wash your hands and be thankful. Be kind and understanding. And remember that the price that you paid for your enlightenment is something that will never leave you. And no matter how many people you try and save, the only one that you can save is yourself. Be grateful for your enlightenment, and take care of it. Be in service of people, with love and compassion. And one day, maybe, we will meet again. If He wills it.      

Zipping up 2012

I'm at the office...alone.

I'm sure there is no one in the building besides me and the security guards. I'm trying to sum up this year...and when I think about it, thank the Almighty, its been a good one.

I don't know if its just me, but it seems like New Year is on steroids or something. Maybe everyone is just glad they didn't die on the 21st of December. Hahahaha. 

I've learned a lot about myself. Some things I'd rather not know, but I'm glad I do. 

One of the things I've learned is that relationships is like The Equation. Some times the variables on their own, look good. You think they will work out, but once you put it in the equation, it just doesn't. No matter which way you try. And sometimes...the variables, look horrible. They are not going to work out, you know it. But then you put it in the equation and it works. I'm no longer looking for the variable that looks perfect. Now, I'm looking for the one that in an equation will work out. 

Another is that, I'm a deep thinker, a talker, a questioner. I have a deep desire to live life to the fullest. And even when I try to go with the flow, I don't. Cause I think that you have to LIVE life, not just exist.  But that doesn't fall in line with the greater scheme of things. And that's fine. I've come to accept my place in society. I'll pretend to be in charge, I'll talk, think, dream, wonder, know....and then realise that none of it is the way I thought it would be. And ultimately, I will be grateful for the fact that I am not in charge. 

But the most important lesson I've learned is the value of praying for something and then doing your utmost to make it happen. Until the sweat runs down your cheek, until you can't breath any more, until you feel like you have to stop, you go further than that and you find what you are looking for.

Considering that for Muslims, this is like the 3rd new years (the first new years is a spiritual one where your book of life is opened and what is destined for the next year will be written down, the second is the islamic new year and this the third) I take no stock in the importance of the date. Only a marker that says...last chance ;)  

So...Happy New Year to everyone...whether first or third...lets make the new years resolutions count. Mine is to banish Laziness to the wastelands. 

:) 

*sniff* Change. The world is rank with it.

I don’t know what it is, whether it’s the Mayan predication, or the fact that I’m changing jobs, but I feel change in the air.

Good or bad, only time will tell.  

I’m scared, because I don’t want the change to change who I am in a bad way. I’m all for good change. The bad change, you don’t see coming and it leaves you recovering for many years.  COD’s don’t deal well with change. We try and keep things as normal and stable as possible.

But can growth ever come from stable? Don’t think so.

So here we are, two days before the Mayan prediction. I don’t think the world is going to end, but I do think it’s going to change. I think it has been changing for several years now, but we use logic and science and past experiences as excuses. “This must have happened before, so its normal”. And we forget to take a moment and see what is happening around us and the speed at which it is happening.

And there is nothing that we can do to stop it. Or is it? Can a prophecy be delayed or prevented from happening? If it can’t than what is the point of the prophecy? But we learn from Angel, that whether we try and change the prophecy or not, it still comes true. So the lesson is???

To try anyway. We need to try and be as good and kind as we can be. We need to try and be better than what we are. Because after all, once we die our judgement day begins. That is the end of our world.  

I really wish the anxiety would go away though. Whatever is going to happen must just happen.  "I don't want to be in a battle. But waiting on the edge of one I can't escape is even worse".

And yes, I can relate just about anything to Lord of the Rings. 

Destiny

In the past 10 years an ‘awakening’ of some kind has occurred where people of all religions and backgrounds has become kind of obsessed with “destiny”. As well as the inevitable question...choice or destiny?

I’ve come to an understanding about destiny. It’s simple. It’s none of your business.

What matters are the choices we make, the people we are and who we affect. The grand master plan is not for us to understand. All we have to know is that there is a greater purpose for everything and we are just a small cog in a very big machine. But that doesn’t mean that anything we do, is done in isolation.

It is complex and complicated and it is not for us to understand. Just to know that something like this exists. The problem is, when you go through tough times, you sit and wonder ‘could I have changed it?’; ‘is this my destiny?’

“You are a man plagued by those two words...what if” (the time machine).

We hope, that by understanding destiny and choice that somehow we can out smart pain, loss, hurt. But it doesn’t work like that. The more we try and understand, the more confused we get because it is not for us to understand. Just to know.

Right now it feels like my whole life is in limbo. I’m frustrated by standing still. And even though I’m a little afraid of moving forward I want to. I try and push and move, but life just tells me “SIT STILL, don’t move, your time will come”. I know I should enjoy this time, but there is a nagging feeling, ‘am i missing something by standing still?’

But if you are not in control of your destiny, why do you think that by moving you can hurry it along?

Sometimes I’m such a know-it-all, that I want punch my own face.

*deep breath*

Let life happen....good or bad, all is as it should be. My job is to arrive prepared! 

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fattest of them all....

In high school...I was a size 32/10. Not the end. The beginning. By the end, I was a size 34. And I thought I was fat.  I had an apostrophe when I read Saaleha’s blog. “Yet, today when I look at my high school pictures, I realise that I wasn’t really fat. I just wasn’t thin enough to blend in.” It was like lightning had struck my brain.

People young and old, for as long as I can remember would comment on my body. “You so thin”, “You have such a nice body” they would say. At a time in my life when I was so self conscious, my body and hormones were changing.  I was just coming to terms with the fact that I was now, a ‘Young lady’.

This made me feel horrible. I didn’t want to have a nice body. My five year old emotional brain thought - Because nice looking bodies were what tempted men.  And when you tempt men, you become a whore. And an old man would be tempted by my body, then break into my house, steal me and force me to get married to him. – Yes I believed this for much of my adolescence.

Not believed believed. It’s that inner voice, which controls your reality that really becomes your emotional brain, which sprouts all this shit to you. Even though people would tell me things about my body, which would seem like a compliment, my reality was very different. Every Muslim Indian girl that I knew all looked like 12 year old boys. And don’t get me started on the whole colour issue *covering eyes* I felt like a fat, “dark”, giant.

University was when I finally understood and liked the fact that I was a ‘young lady, and that I had a ‘nice body’.  I was active, practicing Karate 5 days a week, but I was still fat. I had a friend that was shorter than me, tiny, skinny and white. She became my antithesis. As well as the mould of the women I will forever loath (irrational but true). I used this duality as a starting point for my honours thesis.

Eventually I gave up karate, the one thing that made me feel good about myself. And guess what...I...got...Fat. Between then and now my body has been fluctuating between a size36 – 38. But the one constant thing is: I still feel fat.

I will never understand why people think that they have the right to comment on a woman’s body. It doesn’t matter what race, religion or political party you are, women’s bodies are always seen as a topic of discussion. Whether you’ve lost or gained weight, it’s the first thing people comment on. I think it’s absolutely rude. And any person, male or female, automatically looses my respect when they mention to me anything about my body. Doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative.

I’ve realised something, a while back and I’ve been wanting to write about it for quit some time. I’m addicted to food. Chocolate in particular. If there is any change in my emotion. I want to eat. On a bad day, I eat until it’s all finished. Until my tongue is cut. And once, when I heard or rather saw (this is why stalking is haraam) that The Boy had a girlfriend he was all public about. I ate so much that I threw up. Twice.

I never throw up. Never. I can eat a whole dagwood, chocolate, coldrink and go on the anaconda rollercoaster and still be fine.  By the second time it happened, I knew why. I realised it. And it changed the way I looked at food. Food addiction is not something that you are born with. It can happen at any time. I’m not shy to say I’m addicted to it. But people don’t take me seriously, because when they see me, I’m over weight and not obese. So I’m dramatic, not an addict.

Instead of throwing myself into food after the Hulk, I threw myself into gym. I need to just loose myself into something. And it felt great. I haven’t felt this good physically in a long time. And I wondered, why is it that we can punish ourselves with things that are bad for us, but not with things that are good for us?

I want to lose weight. But Saaleha reminded me that sometimes you have to just enjoy who you are. Take one day at a time. And make the choice that is the healthiest for you. The truth is, if you want to lose weight, it requires consistency and dedication and it will take up to a year. So I’m eating healthier, not all the time and I’m exercising consistently and I feel good.

Because it doesn’t matter how much weight you lose, if you don’t change how your see yourself and how you feel about yourself. You won’t change anything. 

And so out of the ashes of a pansy hero, arouse a Knight!

I was never one for Batman. Of all the heroes for me he was a pansy. But Dark Knight Rises has cured me.

I have said this before...in some far off blog but out of all the story lines, to be able to take VERY fictional characters, and give them a real story and add and edge of fear to them, is by far one of the most creative things I've ever seen.

I love the re-telling of old stories that can actually make you like the characters more. But it helps that I wasn’t a big fan. I’m sure some serious die-hards had issues with it. It was pointed out to me only yesterday that Miranda is actually Poison Ivy. Hey...like I said I wasn’t such a big fan, so when I watched the movie, it was with new eyes.

I guess that is the key to actually enjoying the remakes, and comic-type movie versions. You have to watch it, as if you don’t know the characters.

When Michelle Pfeiffer played cat woman, I totally loved her.  I didn’t like all the meowing and licking though. And Halle Berry...I don’t even want to think about it. But my oh my...the work they did with Anne Hathaway...I’m stunned. Finally a female superhero character/cat woman that I can not only respect, but who’s fighting style I can actually admire. None of that wild, lioness type, licking purring stuff. The words I am looking for are lithe, light, sleek and oh so lady like but of the iron variety. Fighting sequences were not something that I would put on my best fighting scenes, but the fighting style *Big high five*.

And then there was Bane.  Who at this moment in time, I’m completely in love with.  It’s the humanising of the bad boy, I can’t help it. And that voice! I’ll take one of those with a removable mask thank you ;)

Robin. I was totally gob-smacked when I found out he was Robin! I didn’t think they would add that story line because I had read an article where the director said it was his last movie. So why end it like that? But it was awesome.

I’ve watched it 3 times so far. And it was totally worth it.