The past….oh the past. Is it not the craziest thing, that once you think your over something…then BAM!!! You walk straight into it.
Okay to be specific….someone.
I spend a large part of my adolescence in love…with Shafiek Owen.
Well, that’s the name my sis an d I gave him. I will never forget the first day a saw him. It was my younger sisters karate grading. He was a black belt. I was taking pictures of her and from the corner of my eye and I could see someone starring at me…I looked up and then he looked away. I was 14 years old and had absolutely no self esteem, so that made me feel good. Ever since, I was obsessed. H e was part of the reason that I started karate in the first place…a small part.
Through great detective work, my sister and I found out his name, where his father works, where his mother works, that his parents were divorced, his birthday (I acutally had access to ID number at one stage), His middle name, His real surname, I met his father, what he was studying, who was his girlfriend, even though he denied it (I know this because my younger sis actually asked him if he had a girlfriend, to which he answered no) I should have given up then…because I knew that he did. Now he was either lying because he was a male hoe or he was lying because that is what he and his girlfriend decided to do. But anyway..we found out alot..and we have since reformed our stalker ways.
But this is more about my obsession with Shafiek Owen and not my relationship with The Clown, that’s what I will call him from now on…The Clown. So that I can reflect and finally put this whole thing behind me. And not run every time I see him. Yes I physically run and hide away from him. But I shouldn’t because I’m not the freak here!!
Shafiek/ The Clown were charming and sort of a super star at the Dojo. So being with him would mean that I would be a superstar too. I get that now. But I wonder about the decisions we make as teenagers that have the ability to change our lives forever.
So lets fast forward, past all the anguish of being apart from Shafiek Owen. The pictures I took secretly and stared at and watched, over and over again. Pass all the milestones one faces as a teenager…to that fateful day. The day I sat in the computer labs and found the magical world of Google. I didn’t want to do it. I was bored. And lonely. A dangerous combination. I typed his name and hit search. And what did I find…a whole world where he was on. With half naked pics and everything! I hit the mother load! And with his email address as a cherry on the cake! It took me many hours of staring at his beautiful six pack that I decided to email him. My girls didn’t help either saying that I should just do it and get it over with. But I didn’t know what to say.
Then one day I saw him, in my home town. There were days where I would wonder where the hell he was in the world. And the day I forgot that he existed, he appeared on my doorstep so to speak. I finally had a good lie to email him. He was starting a new business and I was interested. I’ll fast forward the emailed drenched in lies, the awkward phone call, and right to the moment where I set opposite him at a coffee shop. (I would just like to know which guy calls Woolworths woollies? Again…another sign I should have ran) He kept on talking about his business I kept on looking at his extra ordinary smooth skin. Shafiek Owen…a breath away from me!!! But then I realised then that the person I was in love with for 5 years…was a dream. The Clown could not contend with that.
But Murphy would not let this one go. He started appearing at event that I was at. And I let myself believe that maybe there was more to it, than a fantasy. This time curiosity got the better of me! I wanted to know what if…
I invited him on facebook…and one day started chatting to him. It took one simple joke to change my life.
“so you married yet?” – Clown
“No…I’m waiting for you lol” – Me (this could be interpreted in various ways right?)
Then he said something to the effect that I shouldn’t joke like that, to which I put my hands in the air and screamed to the heavens…NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Why now?…I didn’t like him any more…did I ? But before I knew it…I was telling him that I liked him for a long time. Truth be told…I just went looking for kak. But it was the best two days I had in a long time. I walked around with a Fucking grin on my face the size of Kansas.
Please Note: The following was established…that I liked him…that he sort of liked me to. That we were going to see where this was going. YET no phone call…this was done all over sms!! (another warning bell)
Come day three…he asks for a picture of myself…at 10 at night (note: has access to my facebook and millions of pictures I have of myself). I’m like freak I look like shit hell no!! Ten sms’s later…of him asking for the same thing…I changed the subject…and asked what are you doing. He ten tells me what he was wearing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *hands up to the heavens* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
My world came crashing down. I could hear it…really I could. Every piece of glass from my little castle…I could hear it hit the floor!!
So the point of this blog…I saw him yesterday, in the gym. While I did see him before this…in a mall where I proceeded to run and hide away from him. This was different. I was calm, I knew he wouldn’t talk to me…he is a coward like that. But there was a split second I felt fear of confrontation. I don’t understand why…its not like I’m the one who said “I’m in bed shorts” – like seriously…who says that!! But I feel shitty non-the-less.
How Aragon feared the past…so do I. ‘The same weakness’ will always really be there...that hope that it was not all in vain. The hope that there was reason for my madness. But I’m hoping this really long blog is therapeutic, that I will be able to overcome the past…just like Argon did!
But I miss Shafiek Owen sometimes…and The Clown that keeps on following me is a constant reminder of my stupidity in believing in a dream.
Fucking Clown…leave me alone now okay – its over – you had your chance. I would like something REAL now…thank you!!