'Why do you fear the past?'

The past….oh the past. Is it not the craziest thing, that once you think your over something…then BAM!!! You walk straight into it.

Okay to be specific….someone.

I spend a large part of my adolescence in love…with Shafiek Owen.

Well, that’s the name my sis an d I gave him. I will never forget the first day a saw him. It was my younger sisters karate grading. He was a black belt. I was taking pictures of her and from the corner of my eye and I could see someone starring at me…I looked up and then he looked away. I was 14 years old and had absolutely no self esteem, so that made me feel good. Ever since, I was obsessed. H e was part of the reason that I started karate in the first place…a small part.

Through great detective work, my sister and I found out his name, where his father works, where his mother works, that his parents were divorced, his birthday (I acutally had access to ID number at one stage), His middle name, His real surname, I met his father, what he was studying, who was his girlfriend, even though he denied it (I know this because my younger sis actually asked him if he had a girlfriend, to which he answered no) I should have given up then…because I knew that he did. Now he was either lying because he was a male hoe or he was lying because that is what he and his girlfriend decided to do. But anyway..we found out alot..and we have since reformed our stalker ways.

But this is more about my obsession with Shafiek Owen and not my relationship with The Clown, that’s what I will call him from now on…The Clown. So that I can reflect and finally put this whole thing behind me. And not run every time I see him. Yes I physically run and hide away from him. But I shouldn’t because I’m not the freak here!!

Shafiek/ The Clown were charming and sort of a super star at the Dojo. So being with him would mean that I would be a superstar too. I get that now. But I wonder about the decisions we make as teenagers that have the ability to change our lives forever.

So lets fast forward, past all the anguish of being apart from Shafiek Owen. The pictures I took secretly and stared at and watched, over and over again. Pass all the milestones one faces as a teenager…to that fateful day. The day I sat in the computer labs and found the magical world of Google. I didn’t want to do it. I was bored. And lonely. A dangerous combination. I typed his name and hit search. And what did I find…a whole world where he was on. With half naked pics and everything! I hit the mother load! And with his email address as a cherry on the cake! It took me many hours of staring at his beautiful six pack that I decided to email him. My girls didn’t help either saying that I should just do it and get it over with. But I didn’t know what to say.

Then one day I saw him, in my home town. There were days where I would wonder where the hell he was in the world. And the day I forgot that he existed, he appeared on my doorstep so to speak. I finally had a good lie to email him. He was starting a new business and I was interested. I’ll fast forward the emailed drenched in lies, the awkward phone call, and right to the moment where I set opposite him at a coffee shop. (I would just like to know which guy calls Woolworths woollies? Again…another sign I should have ran) He kept on talking about his business I kept on looking at his extra ordinary smooth skin. Shafiek Owen…a breath away from me!!! But then I realised then that the person I was in love with for 5 years…was a dream. The Clown could not contend with that.

But Murphy would not let this one go. He started appearing at event that I was at. And I let myself believe that maybe there was more to it, than a fantasy. This time curiosity got the better of me! I wanted to know what if…
I invited him on facebook…and one day started chatting to him. It took one simple joke to change my life.

“so you married yet?” – Clown

“No…I’m waiting for you lol” – Me (this could be interpreted in various ways right?)

Then he said something to the effect that I shouldn’t joke like that, to which I put my hands in the air and screamed to the heavens…NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Why now?…I didn’t like him any more…did I ? But before I knew it…I was telling him that I liked him for a long time. Truth be told…I just went looking for kak. But it was the best two days I had in a long time. I walked around with a Fucking grin on my face the size of Kansas.

Please Note: The following was established…that I liked him…that he sort of liked me to. That we were going to see where this was going. YET no phone call…this was done all over sms!! (another warning bell)

Come day three…he asks for a picture of myself…at 10 at night (note: has access to my facebook and millions of pictures I have of myself). I’m like freak I look like shit hell no!! Ten sms’s later…of him asking for the same thing…I changed the subject…and asked what are you doing. He ten tells me what he was wearing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *hands up to the heavens* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

My world came crashing down. I could hear it…really I could. Every piece of glass from my little castle…I could hear it hit the floor!!

So the point of this blog…I saw him yesterday, in the gym. While I did see him before this…in a mall where I proceeded to run and hide away from him. This was different. I was calm, I knew he wouldn’t talk to me…he is a coward like that. But there was a split second I felt fear of confrontation. I don’t understand why…its not like I’m the one who said “I’m in bed shorts” – like seriously…who says that!! But I feel shitty non-the-less.

How Aragon feared the past…so do I. ‘The same weakness’ will always really be there...that hope that it was not all in vain. The hope that there was reason for my madness. But I’m hoping this really long blog is therapeutic, that I will be able to overcome the past…just like Argon did!

But I miss Shafiek Owen sometimes…and The Clown that keeps on following me is a constant reminder of my stupidity in believing in a dream.

Fucking Clown…leave me alone now okay – its over – you had your chance. I would like something REAL now…thank you!!

I will not love you

I will not love you
You cannot make me
I will not read your blog
And build my castle
And write our happy ever after

Cause I will not love you
I will not know your heart
Through song and rhyme
And let your thoughts entice me

I cannot do it
You cannot make me
For, I will not love you

I will not know you
Through each word you write
And feel your souls vibration

I will not read these words
Of lovers you’ve lost
And pretend they were written for me

I am sorry
but I will not do it
You cannot make me

So stop with those words
And thoughts that you’ve stolen from my heart
For, even though the truth is there,
That we would have been souls intertwined

I cannot do it
I will not do it
I will not LOVE YOU

Quote of the Year

A Women’s heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her…..

Don't know who said this

To Kiss or not to Kiss….

I am not a prude.

I hug and kiss my friends. But most of them are girls. The only guy friend I kiss is white.

FYI – I’m not talking about the French kind.

I was shocked…when my boss kissed one of my colleges on the lips for her birthday.

I’m his PA. He has never even said Happy Birthday to me! Just, ‘so its someone’s birthday today hey?’ I was like ‘really?’ I freaked out, I couldn’t look at him (not that he noticed). But then I remembered that he greeted all the other women like that…besides me.

I come from a family who don’t kiss. So when I’m required to kiss older aunties from my cousins family, I can pull it off. But then I get to the older men and then I don’t know what to do…do I kiss or don’t I? The guys my age are defiantly a no-no right? Unless its Eid, and I’m at my coloured/malay side of the family. But if they are Indian, it’s a defiant no. Then again it depends on what type of Indian boy it is. Because some of them hug but don’t kiss. White boys are easier, if you hug them they just take it. Jewish guys, kiss everyone, its their culture, but they go straight for cheek. So when my Jewish friends kiss me, I’m cool cause I know where it is going.

But my ever end is when both parties go right, then left, then right again, until one of them grabs the other and just hugs! And most of the time, I’m the other person who doesn’t know what’s going on in this dance of stupidity.

As a Muslim Half Indian female, I have always been aware of my personal space. So there is very few people I let in there.

That’s why I high-five everyone. It’s stupid. I know it and the other person knows it. Then they laugh, instead of wondering why I don’t know how to hug or kiss them. But seriously my boss just freaked me out!

When did he exchange reason for madness?

*High-five*

Mirror Mirror on the Wall…

Okay, I am seriously tired of talking about this. But I cant help it, every where I turn to lately, I find references to it.

For my honours research I studied concepts of beauty in the Muslim Indian society. Its safe to say that Muslim Indians have a F#&$* up view of beauty. The dichotomy of Light and Dark, is the same as Good and Evil. Because we associate the one with the other.

The problem is, that MI’s (Muslim Indians) describe each other as ‘Fair’, ‘Light’ and those words is never far from (please whisper when you say this) ‘Beautiful’ if they have a lighter complexion or skin colour than other MI's. Which for most people it is automatically associated with being good. I’m not going to type out my whole thesis, so if you want to read it, let me know I’ll send you a copy.

But my real issue is with Snow Whites parents. I mean, what were they thinking?!? Did they not realise that by wishing for a girl, with skin as white as snow, and rosy cheeks and pitch black hair that they were changing the very essence of beauty for all eternity. Have you ever seen a really dark girl on the cover of cosmo? You did? Well, let me phrase it differently. Have you ever seen a really dark girl on cosmo, that is not African, or one of the only two really dark famous African super-models out there??

After reading Azra’s blog, there are a couple of things that I don’t understand about people. Why do we associate skin colour with culture? Why do we confuse culture and religion? And MI’s are the worst! These three concepts are so confused in society. They affect each other, but they are not the same thing. The concept of Race is a phalicy, because it was justified by biological factors that at they time, those people didn’t fully understand. Religion and Culture - the whole world even the academic community seems to misinterpret. It is NOT the same thing. We don’t get married in Indian Church. We get married in a mosque, or church etc. We get married in front of Allah (God). Your morals and values should be from your religion. The MI’s should be looking for people who display Muslim values. Not someone who know the traditions of the Ghaam. Cultural laws can be learned. But people don’t realise that culture is constantly changing. Religion stays the same because it is defined by a specific set of laws. Culture is how we interpret those laws!!

There is nothing wrong with Culture…I like it. But when who I am, is judged on my skin colour, I want to build a time machine and go back to the very man who wrote Snow White, and cut off his hands!!

FYI – being ‘fair’ does not make you beautiful! Being from a higher Ghaam, then other people does not give you easy access to Jannah! We will be judged by who we are, what we do and not by mortals.

The mirror we see ourselves in, is important, but we don’t realise that it really is a one-way mirror. What we reflect to ourselves, the world watches. It is for this reason that our own perception of beauty needs to change so that the world's perception can.

Still in the Long Dark of Moria

When the fellowship was in Moria…I wondered what other secretes the darkness held.

I lived alone for about three months. In this time I use to take the bus to work…(yes a bus, the whole world takes public transport besides Muslim Indians in SA)…on the way to the bus stop, I had to walk up a dark road and I wondered…was this what Moria felt like? It was dark - cause this is SA and the street lights never worked and freezing - cause it was the middle of winter, and if a man walked pass me I wondered if he was going to kill me.

What I thought was a man in the darkness, was really one of those green electricity box’s. And when I though I was all alone...I was actually being followed by two guys. By the grace of the Almighty, nothing happened to me.

It occurred to me then that we lived our lives like that. 90% of the time we have no idea what is going on around us, because nothing is what it seems.

Nothing happens to you in the darkness because you are ‘blind to all else that moves’, at the same time you are defenceless. But maybe Allah has given you the darkness so that you can hide from your enemy and not the other way around?

But then I think of Salma…when I was on holiday, I saw Salma’s husband, with another women. Now I wouldn’t even thought twice about it, but when I greeted him, he checked me miss (made like he didn’t see me). I knew he was having an affair…look I know about the whole three witnesses before you accuse someone, but this man was guilty…his face said it all. I wrestled with wheather I should tell her or not. But I have a big mouth, so I told my friend who is her niece what I saw. She then told me that according to Salma, her husband was suppose to be at the Istima (don’t know how to spell it). Salma is still with her husband. Which is all cool, if he was honest and apologised and they made up. He said I was lying…which he has the right to do cause he can defend himself…but I told Salma, why would I lie. I have nothing to gain. Deep down she knows the truth, but she would rather be in the dark, because there…nothing can hurt her.

Light comes whether it is in the form of an ancient evil of flame and shadow or a torch. When there is light, you can see your enemy, you can see ‘what hunts you’. It is weird, that in my life, every time there was light, and I saw what I was up against, I was armed in a way, able to defend myself, whether it was running away from dogs that were chasing me or holding the pepper spray in my pocket. Only by the grace of The Almighty!

I guess sometimes the truth is better not known. Because we are not able to deal with it. I have a problem with this idealised view of ‘the truth’. That it can set you free. The truth about the truth is that there are many different versions of it. I think the one truth that needs to be known is our own.

If the whole fellowship knew that Gollum was following them, they was have convinced each other to capture him and then kill him! Then the ring would never have been destroyed.

I guess that my point is, whether i made it or not, that everything happens for a reason. Both Darkness and the Light!

The Long Dark of Moria…..

Have you ever experienced this?

If you’re a Lord of the Rings fan, you will understand the reference.

If not, here is a quick def… the fellowship have but one task, to help Frodo get to Mordo to destroy the ring…but the path is treacherous. And so the fellowship make there way into the dark mines of Moria deep into the mountains. Where unspeakable evil resides.

JR Tolkien, had something there when he wrote this.

I find my self in this situation more than I would like. I am unable to see where I’m going, but I’m going somewhere, there are things that hide in the dark that would scare even Aragon himself, but then there…in the distance…I see it.

A faint light. The hope that soon I will be out of this situation.

Boys…are a lot like this. I mean I’m happy being single. I’ve got a job (which is a Moria in itself, but that’s another blog) I travel, and do what I want to and when I want to do it. Then they decide to show there ugly heads!! I’ll be living my life, and then I’ll see him. A cute guy that smiles at me, or doesn’t even look at me, but I feel a connection and I wonder…is that a light I see? Is that him? Is that my Prince Charming!!! Horror of horrors I know…but sometimes just sometimes I can’t help be a victim of the fairy tale disease!!

Hellooo.....

Is this thing on?