I have a really huge....

Ego.

I never really accepted this about myself, but I guess that’s what happens when you get older. You accept things.

My aunt wanted to give me a graduation party. My mother said no. Then she asked for a birthday party. My mom said no...again. I’m thinking... “Ego crusher!” at my mom. But I get why she didn’t want to. Giving a party to people who don’t really understand would be like feeding the already fed. They just don’t give a shit. Not that they don’t want to. It’s just they can’t.

I barely made it through high school. I passed all my subjects except English and Afrikaans with E’s. I passed with an exemption only by the grace and will of The Almighty. Then I needed to get into university, which I did not apply for. When they calculated my scores I was 9 and a half. A half short to do the most basic degree. But they were running a bridging course that year. So there was chance I could get it. My mother sat with me the whole day at the Faculty to see the Dean, whatever his reasoning (in my opinion divine intervention) he agreed to let me do the degree...and NOT the bridging course which I thought he would agree on which saved my parents a year of fees.

I struggled at University at first...failed three subjects BOTH semesters. But then again I wrote all my subjects exams in three days. I qualified for subs. Passed all besides one module of one subject in my first year. I never had money or cool clothes. So being in the social scene of varsity life was limited. The next couple of years I spent waking up at the crack of dawn and getting home in darkness. I lived on photo copies and R5 chips during the day. And this was my In-love-with-the-midget days. So I spent my time, day dreaming of things that could have been and things that never will be instead of studying as I should have.

And Yet....

I loved University. All the subjects I took, especially Anthropology helped me to see the world and my place in it differently. I was able to work out a lot of issues through the study of society and culture in a way I don’t think any therapist could have helped me. I finished my degree in three years despite being an average and sometimes below average student. In my final year my marks were good enough to be accepted for Honours, which I graduated with two A’s & three B’s. And today I have my Masters in Anthropology. My paper was not an amazing study that changed the world. But when I entered my paper in that plagiarism programme and it came out with a 99% pass rate (which means that only one percent of my paper was not referenced properly) it could have been, that’s how proud I was of it.

I really wish someone had told me this, so to all the average and poor pupils out there - just because you did crappy in school, does not mean your life is over!!! Research actually shows that there is no correlations between school marks and university success.

For the longest time I never believed that anything I did was ever worth anything. But at that moment I realised, that I actually learned something. When I went back to tutoring first years, and I heard myself speak and I realised that I actually did learn something from my masters. It was a really good feeling having people say congratulations...and ‘wow, that’s so cool’. And my ego really wanted to be able to stand in a room full of people and have those complements said to my face.

The truth is that the people would not truly understand the hard work and sacrifices I had to go through for the past seven years to actually reach that point. They wouldn’t really understand the roller coaster ride 25 was, in wishing me Happy Birthday now that I’m 26. Though I enjoy the messages anyway.

But I can.

So no party for me. I will rather write this post. Eat cake tonight, and enjoy the fact that life takes you where your imagination wont. I’ll enjoy my success and then put it away, because you cannot live by what you have done...only what you are doing. And its only through the grace and will of the Almighty that I am able to do anything.



**I do think it’s kind of weird people giving you presents on your birthday...it’s like...your alive so here’s a gift. Really I should give my parent’s gifts...thanks for not drowning me when I was a baby kinda gift. **

True Love

True love is being able to look at someone or in this case something, see it in its entirety, and love it regardless. I’m not talking about a man, I’m talking about movies. I love movies. It’s a real passion of mine. And I don’t mean it in a I-only-like-rom-coms-and-call-myself-a-movie-lover. I love all types of movies, from horror to comedy to the artsy stuff. My favourite genre of course is fantasy but I do love all kinds of movies.

I judge movies in different ways. The first of course is the story line. You can have the best director, actors and what not, but if you don’t actually have a story to tell, you might as well just burn your money. At least you will have pretty colours to look at. I look at the acting, directing, lighting, cinematography, sound effects/score/soundtrack, action sequences and fighting sequences. Now in terms of movie experts I don’t know the official names of things but I know what I like.

I believe that a movie cannot be all crap. There are those (few and far between) that are just awful from beginning to end. But most movies have redeeming qualities in them. Certain moments or things that made me like the movie even though most of it was crap. While bad moments (and there are many) do not ruin a movie for me, the good moments sure can save it.

So in the name of love, here are moments in movies that just took my breath away. Like I said, movies should either stick to the approved recipe for success or be so different, that it bends my reality entirely. Often the storylines of movies will stick to the ‘norm’ of fiction so that people have a point of reference. For e.g. Vampires burn by the sun. The very few movies that dispute this myth saying that in fact vampires walk around in the day time naturally with no use of rings or magic, was very unsuccessful. Get it? Good.

The following list is moments in movies that made me go wow: (in no particular order)

Constantine



The specific moment that I refer to here, is the when Constantine basically commands whatever invisible force to be seen. The way in which this is done is just awesome. The tattoo on the arms and as he brings his arms together, the changing light etc. It’s just awesome. Now in movie history, I haven’t seen anything like it, so it was a wow moment for me.

Somethings gotta give



I love this movie, but the moment when she tells him that she is heartbroken just gets me every time. Another part is when she asks her daughter “what are you waiting for”. Brilliant V-day movie!

10 000 BC



A lot of my friends didn’t like this movie, but I did. But the moment that got to me the most is when I realised that all those people where building the pyramids. Now never mind what history tells us or doesn’t tell us. They were able to give a realistic, edged in stone (excuse the pun) reason for killing and kidnapping of people.

Thats all I have for now, will extend the list as soon as I can think of anything. Feel free to let me know of moments that make you go wow.

Acceptance is the key

I have spoken to many people who ask the question why? Why did my parents have to get divorced? I often wonder what type of person would I have been had my parents stayed married. The truth is you will never know. All you can deal with is the here and now. Accept the things that you cannot change!!

Parents need to accept:

• It’s going to be a long hard road. And you shouldn't give up hope that one day your children will be fine again.
• The most important thing in life is not being happy. It’s being safe and healthy.
• As the parent that has to move out (which in most cases it’s the men) you will never really get to know your children. No matter how many nights they spend at your house or how many times you phone them. There will always be a rift between you and them. You will never truly know who your children are.
• You are not a bad parent for getting divorced. You are a bad parent if you allow the divorce to kill the dreams and hopes of your children.

Children need to Accept

• Some people get the whole perfect family picture and some people don’t. And now you have become the people who don’t. It’s not the end of the end of the world...it just is what it is.
• Nothing will ever be the same again. And trying to run away, and self medicate is not going to make you feel better. But you WILL feel better one day.
• You can’t change your parents. They are who they are. And loving them is divinely ordained, even if we think they don’t deserve it. Allah (SWT) wills it and that all that matters
• It really is not your fault. Whatever decisions that your parents made, it’s their decisions and their lives. They are allowed to make those choices. Unfortunately you are a casualty of war, but remember Allah (SWT)/God is always with you. And the lessons that you are to learn from this divorce can make you a better person, if you deal with pain.
• Sometimes you have to tell your parents how you feel, even though they don’t listen, a part of them hears.
• You have the right to extract yourself out of your parent’s problems. This is your life, even though you are thrown into circumstances you never chose. What you do with it, is what counts.

In the end, everyone has baggage. Some are more socially pronounced than others. Some are darker and much worse that others. Its not about what happens, but what we do when it happens.

Rules on surviving the War i.e. Divorce

“The thing about divorce is that it doesn’t actually kill you” – Frances; Under the Tuscan Sun, great movie, watch it.

So you are divorced, now what?

Being a single parent is hard. If you don’t believe me, ask a single mother or father first before you contemplate doing it on your own.

I am the most well adjusted divorced child I know and I know quite a few. I was lucky because my mother was who she was. She never kept my father away from us, never said nasty things behind his back. And when we wanted to hate him, she reminded us that he was still our father. She poked and prodded and forced us to open up and deal with the situation. Even though we didn’t want to. Even though we came from a generation where adults didn’t care about how their children felt. We all (parents included) had to deal with our issues. The result of that is my parents can sit in a room and joke and laugh with each other. And my father’s wife as well as his new in-laws. We are weird family to most, but the most important thing is that we are apart of each others lives.

The truth is that you can have a healthy family after divorce. Children can get over it. They will never really be the same like ‘normal’ people. But they can lead normal lives after this. It takes a lot of hard work but it can be done. Will and Jada Smith in their interviews with Oprah talked about have “an extended” family. Jada said it the best “It’s not about us”

Rule No1: It’s not about you!! What is important is that your children have both their parents actively participating in their lives. So put aside your shit, slap a smile on your face and NEVER let them see you angry/sad

Rule No2: Deal with your anger – Whatever your reason for getting divorced, deal with your shit on your own! It kills me when parents don’t see anything besides their own anger and pain. And drag their children in the middle. Don’t make it anybody else’s problem but yours. If you are okay with the divorce your children will heal much faster.

Rule No3: You are the Adult -While the parents are caught in all the emotional turmoil that comes with divorce (whether you hated your partner or not) children become the replacement adult. I don’t know why but divorce ages children. They become pseudo adults over night. Often the parent will lean on the oldest child or the oldest child will feel the need, to step into the shoes of the missing parent.

Here is what I have to say to that. Don’t punish your child for the decisions that you made. You are the one who is the adult. Whether you asked for it or not. It is your responsibility to make sure your child is looked after. It is not your child’s responsibility to take care of you. I don’t care how old you are. If your child does this, don’t leave them. My mother made it very clear that we were the children and she the adult. This helped in getting over the divorce because I was able to hang on to what little of my childhood was left. I was able to ‘return to normal’.

Rule No4: Dr Phil always says – DON'T FIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS. It changes who they are. This rule applies when you are married and when you are divorced. I have a friend who is about 22. He is single still lives with his family and every time his parents fight, he goes off the deep end. Breaks up with his girlfriend, and replaces everything he is feeling with drugs, clubs and alcohol. I know at least three of my friends that got married to get out of the house, because their parents were constantly fighting. Two of which are now unhappy but will not move back home.

Arguing in front of your kids is one thing, but throwing chairs and calling your kids mother a bitch/slut or father a good for nothing son of a bitch is quite another. Every time you fight in front of your kids you make them a part of your marriage and they are not. They are a product of it. You have no right to burden your children with your adult problems.

My cousin was three when she went to her parents and told them, she hurts inside when they fight. They proceeded to laugh at her. Today that same cousin’s parents are divorced and she cannot express the way she feels. She bottles everything until one day when she will explode. And what will the parents say? I never brought you up like this!

It is important for your children to see that you have processed the divorce and that you honour the relationship you had with your partner. If your children see that you are happy they will be happy. And by honouring your relationship with your ex, you are showing your children that they are not a mistake or a product of a broken home.

Rule No5: Your kids are not your personal messaging service – keep your children out of your relationship and issues with your ex. Like I said before every time you involve them, you turn them into children with adult problems. They are going to grow up one day; they will have plenty of those. Do your own dirty work.

Rule No6: It’s never truly over – Your relationship with your ex will never end. As long as you share children you are forever bonded together. So don’t pretend otherwise. Children want to know that you respect the other parent even though you no longer live together

Rule No7: Don’t Replace – Your children have a mother/father so don’t try and find someone to get married to thinking that this will make them more stable. It won’t. All that it will do is give your children more issues. It sends a message to the child is that their mother/father is replaceable and that one day when they move out, you will replace them. You may want to ‘be happy’. But happiness comes in many forms. You will be a much happier person if you know that the person you say you love more than life itself is well and happy. As a Muslim women living alone, it is better that you get married, but take your time. And when you are ready to get married, the key to a successful new marriage and happy children is this:

Make sure your ex – and current get along
In order for this to happen, you have to have a good relationship with your ex. If you are able to have a birthday party, Eid or wedding with you and your ex and your new spouses, your children will be almost normal. This is the most important thing you can do for your children. Don’t worry about what your aunty, friend or even mother says. Don’t worry about what is considered societal norm. What is important is that your children are able to have both their parents at their wedding, Eid and children’s birthdays. Those moments when family is together will make the hole that they live with that has now become a part of their lives, feel as if it is almost non-existent.

Casualties of War

People have accepted that when there is war, innocent people die. It’s just the way the world works. But when the war is between your parents, that type of justification just does not work.

I have many friends who were born in two parent homes, who are now married and have children. And I die a little for their children every time I hear what they allow their children to witness.

I am a child of divorce. I now pronounce myself, speaker for those who cannot speak. For the children young and old who are witnessing their parents on the verge, going through, or post divorce. It doesn’t matter if your 5 or 35 being a child of divorce is painful. I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a long time until came across this that made me decide to actually do it.

Let me tell you why divorce is so bad. In Islam, the worst thing you are allowed to do is get divorced. As a child (not in terms of age, but in terms of having parents) divorce is the worst ‘permitted’ thing that you can go through. Even death is better because it has some type of finality and reason behind it. Don’t get me wrong losing a parent at any age of the child life horrible. But you know that it was not your parent’s choice to leave. It was their time to go, it was Allah’s (SWT) will.

I want parents and people who have not gone through divorce, to understand how it feels. Divorce leaves a gaping hole in all children. It takes years and years to try and re-fill it. But no matter what you do, you can’t. It feels like something is missing and you don’t quite know what it is and you don’t know why it hurts so much . It changes you. It changes the person you were going to become. Because from that day onwards your reality is different to the rest of the world. You have now become a casualty of war: A child of Divorce. Divorce turns children into adults in the seconds its takes parents to announce that they are parting ways.

Parents imagine this. Imagine that someone takes your child and tells you, you are only allowed to have half of your child. Then this person takes a knife and cuts your child down the middle and gives you half and gives your partner half.

How would you feel? Some people will agree with me that in the beginning that is how it feels for children. It feels like someone has taken a knife and cut you in half and your parents just watched and did nothing to stop them. Remember that your children have not experienced the pure love of having a child. So you are the most intense love that that child has experienced. For adults who are parents themselves, the hurt is just as severe if not worse. They don’t understand why they feel this way, because they have their own children. They experienced the pure perfect love of having a child. So why does it hurt so badly? I don’t know.

I’m not saying that people should never get divorced and then re-married. What I’m saying is that if you’re going through or went through or even thinking about divorce and you have children, you need a serious wake up call.

When you have children the rules change. It’s not about you anymore it’s about what is the best for your child. So that your child can grow up to be a well mannered, well adjusted, healthy member of society.

It is important for you to realise that the way you treat your partner is how your children will allow themselves to be treated in the future. They watch everything you do and then internalise it. Meaning it becomes the script in which their lives will run. (I mean script in the computer way, not the movie way). You can’t be a perfect parent because you are only human but how do you expect your children to have respect for you and your partner when you carry on like animals and have no respect for each other?

What parents don’t realise is that bad behaviour from children like teenage pregnancy, drugs, drinking, and promiscuity starts with the relationship between the parents and children. I don’t negate that some people do this even though they have loving, caring parents, but in my opinion that only happens in like one percent of the population. Most parents' reaction to finding out their children have abusive, violent relationships, or that their child is actually an adulterer or just a nasty person “I never brought you up like this”

Yes you did. Every time you disrespect your kid’s mother you teach your daughters, this is how a man must treat me. Every time you disrespect your kid’s father, you teach your son, this is the way a woman must treat a man. Every time you do not validate and show your children that they are worthy of love, through your actions not how much things you can buy them, you are creating an environment for them to rebel.

Some might say, well everyone has choices. If my child rebels its because he made that choice he is naughty. I disagree. As people we all have a hand in creating situations for others, a neglected child as two options. Looking for the love and validation by other people or looking for love in things.

This is the reason the world is so fucked up. You treat your partner like shit, then you treat your children like shit and then you expect them to grow up and get married and live happily ever after? I’m sorry but that is just not the way it works.

Many people think that Divorce is like a magic pill. Take one, with a glass of water and the person that irritates you will just magically disappear and you and your family will be much happier. Not so. That person that irritates you is someone you had children with. They are not going to just disappear.

Just because you are ‘unhappy’ and your new secretary or pool boy makes you remember what happiness feels like, does not give you the right to break your children’s hearts and change their lives forever.

When I watched one of the opening monologues in the movie Fame I was dumbfounded. One of the characters was auditioning and this is what she said:

My theory is that when parents get divorced, they're given some kind of a handout. When my parents told me that they were splitting, they told me three things. One, "It's not your fault.” Two, "It's not your fault.” And three, "It's not your fault.” Problem is, I don't buy it. No kid does. I've seen the pictures of when you got married. When you were good-looking, and you smiled at each other. Hell, when you even just looked at each other. So what happened between then and now? Me. I... I came along, and I made you tired and cranky and anxious and I made you lose your hair and gain 20 extra pounds and...Somewhere in all of that, I...You stopped loving each other. So I have my own idea for a handout. Next time tell me, "One, happiness is hard."Two, don't make the same mistakes we did."And three, okay, so maybe it is your fault a little." You want me to be honest? You go first.

It’s not about staying in a marriage that you are miserable in because you don’t want your children to be cut in half, even though your husband abuses you. Ask yourself; is this environment healthy for my children? For me and for my partner? So if not, then so be it. Because if you are not okay, and your partner is not okay, your children will not be okay. Divorce was created for a reason. But life is more than just being ‘happy’. If you have issues, sort it out before you take the divorce card out or run into the legs of someone else. If constantly being in the ‘in-love’ stage of your life is how you define being ‘happy’, you are in serious trouble.

Twilight lovers only

When I read a book, and I don't like, or can't picture what the writer is discribing I often change it to the way I like would like it to look. I've seen many bloggers state who they would have prefered to play the characters in the Twilight movies. This is more of how I imagiend them when I read the book

Jacob. This is how Jacob Black looked in my head. Not like a child.

Alex Meraz

Leah. Just for the record. In the book she is pretteir than that other girl, Sam's Fiance. So why pick such an ugly girl? Now the actress, is not ugly. but they make her look ugly. Which is so not cool. I think even Vanessa Hudgens would have made a better Leah, but that would mean paying her alot of money, and lets face it, they wont do that. For me Leah looked more her with short hair.

Kirsten Kreuk

Edward. In the book he is beautiful. In the movie...not so much. Even Rob agree's that he is not as pretty as Edward. In my mind I saw him more of a Tom Welling kinda guy...only younger

Tom Welling

Rosalie. Of all the Actors, she went through the biggest change, having to bleach her skin, hair ect. So here is my question. Is she that good of an actor for you to go through all of that, rather than just choose someone who looks like that already. Seriously...I think not. She looks closer to my version

Talulah Riley

The Ring. I was highly dissapointed when I saw the ring in eclipse. Then someone pointed out, thats the way it is discribed in the book. I have one word for that ring. Ugly. This is how I saw it.

Besides that...the way everything looked either was in line with my standards or exceeded them. Lets hope the Breaking Dawn is better!

2010...did you feel it?

I have never worked over the December holidays...it’s so weird. Tomorrow is going to be 2011 and on Monday I’m back at work. Doesn’t suck as much as I thought it would.
So here’s some stuff about 2010 that I always wanted to say, but never had the time or chance:

The Last Airbender

I’m actually surprised at how many people didn’t like this movie. The truth is that if you didn’t do or like Martial Arts at one point in your life, you probably won’t understand this movie or like it. I really didn’t like their accents in the movie, and that brown girl with the blond hair just didn’t do it for me. The star of this movie was the Martial Arts. The Kata’s was excellent. It actually reminded me of Bruce Lee and his thoughts and philosophies about Kata. If you have time, you can see some of his interviews on youtube.

Batman Begins


I finally watched both movies. I watched Dark Knight first, then Begins and I finally realised what all the hoopla was about. Batman was always my least favourite hero. A spoilt rich dude that has an obsession and fascination with bats really didn’t appeal to me. But the explanation and interpretation that these movies presented of that whole world was excellent!

Everyone said they liked the second one better. And that Katie Holmes was crap. I’m not a fan of Katie, but I actually think she did a MUCH better job than Maggie Gyllenhaal. I like her but she really didn’t fit into Dark Knight. And *shock* I actually liked Begins more than DK. The only other thing that irritated me was the long drawn out car chase scene. Both movies dragged it on waaayyyy too long and what was worse was that it really had no point to it. If it added to the story, I’m all for it. But in the words of my Supervisor: if it has no purpose then kill it.
Can’t wait for the next one...really hope Cat Women is in it!

And this is what I have learned in 2010:

Life is strange. Sometimes a lot of things can happen in your life, but nothing actually changes. And other times nothing happens at all, and when you look again your life is different.

This year was all about Love. Looking for it. Finding it. Realising it’s not real. Missing it. Wanting it. And Letting it go.


I always believed that, when it was my time to get married I would. And everyone would say...you must put yourself “out there”. I did realise that I never did. When boys would approach me I would immediately shut down. I can handle liking guys, but its them liking me back or first (which was not very often) that I had to learn to deal with.

I’ve learned that the biggest problem today is that people live too much in fictional worlds. Whether it is in a book, movie, comic, play station or cyber space. People don’t know how to connect anymore. What we want to connect to is our dreams, our view of perfection. We have lost the ability or guts to connect with each other on a real level.

I’ve learned that you can go home again. But it will never be the same. I was lucky that I was able to re-live my youth in a way. I really enjoyed it, and without it I don’t think I would have survived this year. But the truth is that what’s done is done. Now that I think about it I didn’t really re-live my youth but was witness to what my life would have been like, had I participated in my youth, as appose to waiting for it to end.

I’ve learned that the past has this ability to freeze us in a vortex of pain and suffering with no real purpose behind it. The past is over. You can’t change it. And in some cases you can’t learn from it. No good come from re-living it. There are times, when you have to just forget that the past ever happened. It is sad to see how many people are victims of their own torture by holding onto the past. I had to learn that there are some moments I will never get back. Life will never move forward if we always looking back.

I’ve learned that finding someone (whether it is a friend or partner) that see’s you for who you are and not what you represent in society or the world and accepts you for this and loves you regardless is very rare.

I’ve learned that some people don’t get happy endings. Some people don’t marry the person that they love or don't get married at all. And that’s okay.

I’ve learned that Love is there to make us look beyond the perfect image we have in our minds. To force us in marrying the person we were meant to. Even though it won’t last forever....love has its uses.

I’ve confirmed that girls that go on dates want to know two things: 1) Can I see that on top of me? 2) Will he be able to look after me financially. This means gents...that if you don’t look after you and if you’re stingy on the date...don’t turn around and say that she is shallow or greedy. Would you eat a steak that is covered in fat? That was lying on the floor? That is undercooked? Overcooked? Or smells nasty? A women needs to ensure that what goes inside her is quality. You looking at a girl thinking all sorts of nasty things don’t kid yourself in thinking that she is not thinking the exact same. A women needs to make sure that the man is going to work hard to look after his family and not expect her to work so that she can pay for mags on his car.

We try and justify why we feel the way we do. We very rare take the moment to realise that we feel. And most times there is no deeper meaning. It just is.

Sometimes love and even the lack of it, is our test. It is not for us to complain about it. Just to get through it.

I have realised that I use too comma’s and write in too long sentences. I always knew that I can’t spell for shit, which makes me very nervous about blogging. So I’ve decided that I’m going to put up a disclaimer. Because this blog is about expressing my feelings, not learning how to become a better writer.

I have tried to be more girly, more open, more ‘nicer’. And really it didn’t help me at all. So for 2011...the Bitch is Back. With upgrades though....I’ll be just a little nicer about being a bitch. I’m sorry for the innocent bystanders but hey, that’s life.

Here’s to 2011...ba-ring it!