I have had an online crush for a while now. Not, I-want-to-marry-you-and-have-your-baby’s kind of crush. More like, I-want-to-eat-your-brain-so-I-can-see-how-you-think kind of crush. Because there are very few people in the world that make me go...what the hell does that mean? So when I meet people like this, I want to keep them in my pocket for a very long time.
The Mad Hatter plays with me. Not in a slap-and-tickle kind of play, but like fun play, like kids would. It’s like he’s falling down the rabbit hole right next to me, having the time of his life. It’s exciting, because I never know what can come out of his brain. It’s challenging, because it makes me say and think things I would never dream.
So I came up with this thing. I would do an Online Valentine thing for him, just for fun. I’ve been planning it, since last year, but then life happened. So I’m posting it here, because I went through all the trouble of making it and everything.
I’ve found very few people I could play with. Many of whom I don’t talk to anymore, because life happens. I always wanted to have my prince charming be someone who could play with me.
I heard on 3talk the other day, that there was this study done, and it was found that the same part of the brain that gets stimulated when you take cocaine is the same part of the brain that gets stimulated when you “stalk” someone. So loving someone that doesn’t love you back is like crack?
*Lightning bolt* For the longest time I was an addict. I was hooked and in denial. Blaming destiny, and age, and ethnicity and the mother and socio economic status, for all the reasons, why they didn’t love me back. But in the mean time, I was just on crack. That’s all it was. It had nothing to do with him. It was always about me.
Suddenly, the boy, the clown even the midget made sense. As long as I was up in the clouds, I didn’t have to trip and fall on land.
I was a fan of the concept of “walking into love”. The whole falling thing seemed too tragic and too much effort for nothing in the end. So now there is this person, let’s call him Hulk. Hulk is on land, and he wants to walk with me. Probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Some part of me always wished I would fall in love, so that I would have to think about the 101 things that can go wrong or that is wrong already. My intelligence knows that anything of value can only be made by walking and not falling. But my heart, cannot stand that the reality may not end in happily ever after.
Reality my new friend, welcome. I hope you enjoy your time here. Because I’m not enjoying it. It’s easy to say, I want someone who has the same chemistry as Mad Hatter. But then Reality tells me that Mad Hatter is a lot of work. Ordering food will become an adventure. When all you really want, is to sit, order food, eat, and walk out.
I realised one day then when I sit and talk to Hulk the conversation is not mind blowing. He is not down the rabbit hole with me. He is not making me feel like I’m flying. We are not contemplating the stars. All we are doing is just have a normal conversation. It occurred to me while talking about the most mundane thing, that I’ve had so much more interesting, fun, mind blowing ‘play dates’ than this. But I didn’t want to get up and walk out. I didn’t want him to change the topic of conversation. I was more than content just walking. Not running. Not flying. Just walking.
I finally know what superman was talking about. “It is different when they like you back”. It’s scarier. But that’s what happens when you wait so long. It might not be anything or it might be everything. But at least its real.
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