Happily Ever After

Looking for a spouse through internet dating is like looking for shells on a beach in the morning. There are hundreds of them, all interesting and pretty, some are crab parts that look like shells, but there are only a few that really catch your attention.


If you type Muslim dating websites on Google, you will find thousands of sites and if you leave the Muslim part out, you will find even more, that advertise you finding your soul mate. There are sites to meet millionaires, disabled people, married people and if you have any other fetish, I’m sure it’s out there somewhere in cyberspace.

As I looked for my shells, I found myself on the internet constantly. I was sick of staring at a computer screen but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to see who showed interest in me or who sent me messages. But after a couple of weeks all the interaction died down (which I expected). And when I logged on and saw no action, I was disappointed. For the first time I realized the allure of ‘dating’. It was exciting to meet new guys, who were completely different to the last one I spoke to. And the international guys always had the best stories. The high of finding ‘the one’ was much more exciting than actually finding him. Which left me with a very big question, can you really find a partner on the internet?

The thing is that your profile is one dimensional. It’s no better than a piece of paper with information or stats on it. A person’s height, weight, ethnicity (which they even have mixed as an option, whoo hoo for the mixed breeds!!) is placed on view in an attempt for people to find a common ground which might spark interest and then conversation. To add to the statistics the description of yourself, so that it can help the reader find out more about you and the description of what you’re looking for, to describe your intentions on the site, try to give a better picture of who you are. All good and well…in theory.

The whole idea of a Muslim woman looking for a husband denotes a certain level of desperation in ‘modern’ society. If she is seen on a website, it complicates things even more because in Islam, women are not suppose to be put on ‘display’. And there is no bigger display than on the internet. It is this idea that I think is the major reason for many of the girls that are on the dating sites, (especially muslima.com) to not to complete their profile, leaving only essential details, and not adding a picture to their profile. The problem with this is that males are highly visual creatures. If they don’t see it, they don’t believe it. And if they do talk a girl without a picture, it’s because he has talked to all the girls with pictures already and lost interest or he already made a picture of the faceless girl in his head from the information that she gave.

The guys are no better. Women tend to be less visual. I am not saying that women are not lured by good looks. All the good looking guys I saw, I showed interest in, even if they didn’t speak English. But in reality I knew that that was more of an indulgence than a possibility. Most of the time us women tend to rely on the description of the man. Men, especially in South Africa don’t fill in all the detail that they should, especially who they are, and what they are looking for. Some men (mostly international) show how much they earn, which I have to relate to some primal instinct of theirs to demonstrate that they can take of the girl (which I actually find sweet). And if they do put a description down, they spend three sentences describing themselves and the rest of the 20 describing what they want. And the WORST mistake of all that guys make, is in writing…I’m looking for a beautiful girl. Some release how shallow this sounds and add both inside and out. Now gentleman. Please take my advice today. If EVER a woman responds to something like this, she is saying one of two things. She is either conceited and thinks that she is beautiful (which in my experiences means that she actually looks the opposite) or she wants you to think that she is beautiful, but in reality she knows it’s a lie. So you have a choice between a girl who is conceited or a liar. Mmm…which one will you choose?*Sarcastic tone*

In both cases, this is very bad. Because as humans we are multifaceted and a person’s perception is rarely ever reality. What is beauty anyway? Is it not defined by the eye of the beholder? Put that together with the fact that people are not honest to themselves let alone to other people, the situation can become very complex.

We use a one dimensional description to describe something that is multidimensional. The reader often uses his or her own experience to interpret what they are seeing and reading. For example, they use their own scale to define what is beautiful or what is ‘good’, in the I want a good person description. But it does not matter how much description you give or how many questions you answer. Nothing can prepare you for seeing someone’s manners. A girlfriend of mine described this guy who was prince charming on the phone, but once she went out for coffee with him, he was untidy. Messing sugar all over the table and being rude to the waitress. This to her was a big no no, because she valued respect and manners higher than anything.

Likely, all my meetings have not been that bad, but paying for the coffee as well as giving the guy a lift back to his house, in my book is a huge no no. Not because I didn’t sympathize with his broke situation, but because I think if you really liked a girl, you would not want her to know things like that about you. Needless to say, I haven’t found a partner yet. But, I have learned a lot about guys and people in general.

The one thing I learned is that as a Muslim, we are very aware that nothing happens without the will of the Almighty. I know someone who never went anywhere in his whole life. He would always sit at home, with his father. And how did he meet his wife? She moved in, next door to him. So the whole putting yourself out there thing…in my opinion (while it can be fun at times) is a lie. If you are meant to get married, you will. It will not happen a second earlier or later than God wills it to.

So after all that, I ask again. Can you find a partner in internet dating? I think yes. The key is how we go about doing it. Here is a couple of things that I learned:

1. Always fill in every single inch of the questions that are posed by the site. They do it for a reason. Trust them.
2. HONESTY. No sense is filling your profile with a lies.
3. For women, put the best picture you have on the internet. Besides the pouting sex kitten. Don’t worry about your neighbor’s aunties, cousin that might see you and think you desperate. The world is a different place than it was a couple of years ago, and this might be safer than accepting any creep that gives you his number in Mr. Price.
4. For Men, DO NOT say you want a beautiful woman! Describe qualities that you think is beautiful. And if you want someone that is physically beautiful, then describe those too. And good luck with that. Two seconds on your shelf, and both you and her will be fishing in the married and looking sites, oh and keep the what your wearing questions for after the wedding
   
5. Look at your profile and ask yourself, if this had to be an opposite sex’s profile, would you take the time to read it? Would you be interested?
6. Meet as quickly as possible. If you chat to someone nice on Monday, meet them the Saturday, and if they can’t make it. Move on. Because your imagination will run away with you, and any chance s/he might have had is lost. Because no one can compete with your imagination.
7. Ladies…always take someone with you no matter how big his beard is. Get them to sit at a table in eye sight of you, and try not to show that you know them. No decent guy would like to know that he is being watched by your uncle. If you don’t have a guy you can trust, take more than one girlfriend. Never let your date see what car you drive. Once your date is over… have a meeting spot with your friends, walk around awhile, then leave. MOST importantly…pray, and always trust your instincts.
8. This one is difficult, but NEVER give all your contact info. Don’t give your facebook, gmail chat, cell number, email and home number. That’s just stupid. Choose one, and only give your number right before you meet. If they find you on FB without your permission. Accept, then block as soon as possible. You can always explain, and unblock at a later stage. Besides no one likes a stalker, and with FB’s new settings, they can add all your friends, before you get a chance to get to know the freak in them, and you blocking them will not help, because they can ask your friends about you, without you knowing.
9. I don’t like the idea of lying about your name. I feel like, I liked a Muhammed, I want a Muhammed, not an Ebrahim. Simple solution for FB stalking…don’t sign up with your surname.
10. Don’t try and find your husband or wife. Get to know the person. And then decide if this person will be a good partner for you. Because often, our idea of what is good for us, and what really is good for us is different. Physical chemistry, how you feel when your around that person…comfortable, excited, disgusted…is what counts 90% of the decisions we make. Even if we don’t admit it.

In life, you just never know. For years and years, you can go on, doing the same thing and then one day your life has changed forever. The key thing I think is to make sure that you are okay. Think of it this way, would you walk into a shop and buy something that is broken? No you wouldn’t. No matter how beautiful it is. It is the same thing with people. Nobody wants someone who is broken. People go through shit every day, its what makes us strong, unique even. But you want to know that the person your interested in has learned from his hardships, and is not defined by it. If your still hurting, if your still broken. Fix yourself before you go and look for a wife or husband. In my experience you get exactly what you are.

So from all the guys I have attracted, the one thing I have learned is that I need to fill my kitchen, before I go and invite people for supper.

Kissing all the Frogs

I realized that in order to really do this, I would have to utilize more than one website. Just to see what would the response would be like on each of them and if they were different. Within three days of uploading my profile I got quite a few responses. Questions like where do you live, where do you work, and what do you do for fun, I have answered until I am blue in the face. If I never have to answer these questions again, I will be the happiest person on earth!

The guys, who did respond to my profile, were actually quite normal decent guys. There were a lot of IT and Finance guys who made me wonder…do they not get enough work to do? Because most of them are online during the day. They seemed to like the same things I liked, adventure, Lord of the Rings, food. And I even scored an intellectual conversation here and there. But then, after getting to know each other for an hour, they go right for the jugular… “So why are you here?” First I thought, boy! Do you not read? It’s right there in black and white. But I answered “I want to get married”.

The second dreaded question “So what do you want in a husband”, my answer was simple…someone who is a partner, not a father or son. Someone who I can live my life with. Someone who deals with his shit and does not bring it to my door. Oi…and then the other shoe dropped.

Mr. Software constantly told me that he was spoiled with love. What the fuck does that mean? Was what I wanted to ask him. When we met it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. He just stared at me, and I was so nervous, I was asking him all kinds of questions to get over the awkwardness and he just gave one word answers. Mr. Web, was not only mature in age and intellect, but was also married, for a very short time. Found out his ex-wife was pregnant and has been trying to get custody of the son, which he didn't know if it really was his, from his neglectful mother and psycho new husband. Mr. Dimple was a very sweet guy…but he was shorter than me, which I found out only when he made the effort *which he got two gold stars for* to come and meet me at a place where he never would have went to. But the incessant talk of his fiancé’s excessive spending habits, and ultimately the eventual crushing of his heart with her stilletoe heal that he paid for, really put a dampen on things. He kept on telling me all the things he had ready for his wife…she would be lucky, her own house and stuffs…but she won’t travel anywhere. Mr. Dubai floored me when he asked for my number and hit my breath out, when he actually called…twice.

But my favorite was Mr. Smooth, a widower with two small kids. He was everything I wanted on paper. And to top it all off, he was funny. I realised that I could really fall for this guy…*cue mills and boon story line with a happy ever after and me being called mummy*. While in the fantasy, this would be possible, the reality was completely different. The reality was, I couldn’t be second best to my husband. And when kids are involved the rules are different and they always come first. And I would never ask a father to make such a sacrifice. I expressed this to him to which he replied, that he might have been 99% of what I was looking for, after that answer I was 100% what he was looking for. But that he understood and I haven’t heard from him since.

I was upset, and even wondered if this guy was ‘the one’. Then I remembered what I always said about ‘the one’. That it didn’t exists, it was a dream we made ourselves believe. And then I also realized that Mr. Smooth would obviously show me only his best side. And so would the others. But what stared at me in the face was that the broken side of them, the side that came with baggage was unavoidable and even to a certain extent intensified because of the internet. And its the partners brokeness that could be the breaking point of the realationship...

To Be Concluded…

Love in the Rinse cycle

February, the month of love.
How magical, how seductive, how effen stupid.

Since I was 16 years old, there was always one question that would have crushed my chillie if I had one. ‘So do you have someone special?’ It didn’t take me long to realise that one, everyone wants to know about your love life and two, if you didn’t have one, there was something wrong with you. Even though you were muslim, and you were not suppose to have a boyfriend because it was haraam. People, even the older ones would want to know.

The world was divided into to groups. Those with ‘someone special’ and those without. As 2010 started, I felt daring, adventurous almost and decided that before someone asked me, if I had someone special, I would try and put my self ‘out there’, as I’ve been told a million times. FYI, between studies, sports and family obligations, I didn’t have time to go out and meet new people, because the free time I had I was catching up on things like sleep and movies.

So I started internet dating. For real this time. *grasp* yes internet dating. I did play around with the idea before. But I lost interest. Now I was serious.

Hey, don’t look at the screen like that, I was not desperate. I was curious. I decided to be as honest as possible. I was there to find a partner (male) to get married to and life my life with. I filled in every question muslima asked me and even put a real photo of myself. Your allowed to *grasp* now. And then I thought, what if someone I knew saw me? What are they going to think? That I’m so pathetic, that I cant meet anyone and now I’m desperate to get married? Then she told me, why do you care? If that’s what they think, then why are they on the site looking at you? I felt a little better, but then I thought, what if someone I don’t like sees me. So I decided to put a reason to my madness and decided that I would actually do a paper on Love.

And use my internet dating experiences to see if love can really be found in this medium. This is why I decided to tell as many people as I could that I was internet dating. That way if they saw me on some site, it would not be a surprise to them. Most people did exactly what I thought they would. They had shock, then pity, then a smile on their faces when I told them it was for research.

I will not lie, I had my own preconceived notion on what to expect. Freaks I knew I would get, but honestly I hoped that I would actually find my soul mate there. The good thing about it, is that everyone on muslima, knows why everyone is there. The goal is marriage. That is the standard, so if you are there for just a random fling, it’s strange. In the ‘real’ world, the norm is to look for a fling, to say your looking for a wife or husband is strange and most of the time actually scares the other person off.

So there I was, in full view of the internet world, I told both my parents and they could not have been happier. I was excited…and scared...what if I actually got what I was looking for?

To Be Continued…

Things that guys should not wear

I'm into the whole, guys being metrosexual.
Or just looking after themselves as they put it.

I'm down with manicured hands, facial creams and even sparkling white tekkies.

But:

Ed Hardy
Pink Shirts
Skinny Jeans
Big Belts
Pointy shoes
Styled hair

Should not be all done together! I can handle it if a guy wears one of the above...but when they wear all of it?

They look horrible!

Avatar

I do realize that this post is like $1.8 billion too late.
But better late than never.
Avatar was an awesome experience. Note I said experience not movie. It was the 3D that made it. And as a result of such success has completely changed the way movies in that genre are going to be made in the future.
It was almost like I could touch Sigourney Weaver! I didn’t really think of her, but once I saw the movie, I really like her now, which is weird!
Like I said before, can you imagine, Lord of the Rings…in 3D!!!!!! Spiderman? Kingdom of Heaven? Troy? Maybe X-Men would have even been worth all that effort! The list is endless.
The ticket price is ridiculous, but can you really put a price on feeling like you can reach out and touch Aragon sweat?
If Alice and wonderland comes out in 3D…I’m defiantly going to watch it!

My 2cents worth

There are two things that I am really sick of right now.

The first, is the whole world cup fever thing. Yeah...I've been waiting for what is it, 8 years now? (yes 8 because South Africans didn't count the last world cup) and I'm done. And with SA playing in the group that they are going to, I don't see any hope. I'm sorry, I know its pessimistic, but I can't help it. I am patriotic and I will still support them, even though I know better. With the hope that I'm proven wrong.

The one good thing about the world cup is all the beautiful males that will be gracing us with their rock hard abs, thighs of steel and hair that takes longer than a match to groom...mmm.

The second is the whole love hate relationship with twilight. Firstly I don't get the girls who go that crazy for Rob P, who is not as good looking as Edward, a fact that he has admitted to. And then I don't get all the haters, who think its the worst movie that they have ever seen. Ever watched Max Payne? That for me was looking pulling out my finger nails one by one!

I've said it before and I'll say it again. The books a geared to teenagers, and they just happened to be a hit with a larger age group. The books is not any different to any other teen books out there, like point romance, point horror, sweet sixteen...books that I have not seen on any shelves for quite some time. If you ever do come across any of them, take the time to read one of them, which will take you like an hour and you will realise that all Twilight is, is the rehashing of an old genre. A genre that seems to be dead to me.

The New Moon movie, as far as I'm concerned was good, even better than the book. They did a very good job, even though you could see Bella had contacts in one of the scenes. Oh and what happened to the rain? It rained like only once! The fighting was much better in Movie, which gives Breaking Dawn hope because in terms of the fighting it was a serious anti climax in the book.

Twilight is not the first to sprout words of cheesiness and it will not be the last. Ever watched Wedding Date? Its like cheese galore. So here is some advice...if you didn't like the first two don't watch the second two because the cheese just keeps on coming. And really its something you either like or you don't.

Personally, I think June is too far away.

Changelings…

Have you watched the movie? I haven’t.

But I can’t get that word out of my head.

In most ways that’s how I think of people. We’re constantly changing, and yet we stay the same. I guess that is the genius of the way The Almighty has created life. It have this balance, this ying and yang. Where our lives are shaped by both the bad and the good.

But there are times when you can pin point the event that changed you.

I find it weird how the bad things that happen in our lives don’t only change who we are, but how they never leave us. It becomes apart of our identity. It’s unavoidable. You don’t want the bad to stay with you forever, but to a large extent it does. And there is just no running from it. Some people are so changed by the bad that they seem are different, broken almost.

It’s like I was talking to Romeo and I asked him if he had children. A question that he avoided until I asked it for the third time, then he answered that he did have a daughter who passed away. She was only 7 months old.

Now how do you run away from this moment? Because no matter how he answered this question, the answer would always tell me something more about his life, then he would want me to know. And what if you don’t want people to know? You lie and eventually the truth comes out and then they see even more that what you were willing for them to see in the first place.

And most of us have this bad thing that changed your life. That becomes part of you. It’s like introducing yourself to someone: Hi, I’m Jane and my brother died, or I’m Tasnim and my parents are divorced. This is not all of who we are but it is what shaped our reality. It’s not something you can run from. And it’s the people who never had a big bad change them who are oblivious to just how lucky they really are.