Reblogg - Free Write: On Never Having Been In Love

One Word for this: Wow

I’ve been loved and I’ve loved hard but never in it, always just off to the side. Always just a circling the drain. I never fell. On the outside looking in. I was never pushed. I figured out what “normal” looked like in a relationship and I tried to emulate it as best I could. When I slipped, folks blamed the illness or the artist and they were right but it was also this need to stay just a little bit out of reach.

I think about collateral damage often. I think about the men who are somewhere thinking that they were the great love of my life; lamenting or laughing about how they broke my heart or hurt me. What they don’t know is that they didn’t break me because I was never theirs to break. I chose them because I knew they could never see me or touch me. I chose the emotionally repressed. I chose the machismo. I chose the mommy issues. I chose the arrogance. I chose the conceit. I chose the self centered navel gazing pseudo poet. I chose anything that told me that there was an expiration date. I was just waiting for it. Biding my time and holding my self close. So when they left, I sighed in relief. Exhaled for the first time we negotiated a hello or a kiss. And there were tears. There was a wetness that appeared when it was necessary and often when it wasn’t. The tears were real. The hurting was real but it wasn’t for them. I brought the hurting with me. I only leave with what I came with.

And my “I love yous” were never statements or declarations. They were questions, “Can you see me?”

If the answer was yes, I let them believe that when I ended it, it was their idea. And if the answer was no, then I knew that I needed to check the expiration date. I needed to gather my things, collect what I came with and leave before someone got hurt.

http://basseyworld.tumblr.com/post/16103004560/free-write-on-never-having-been-in-love

http://whyimsingle.tumblr.com/post/16110106651/free-write-on-never-having-been-in-love

Being a traveller, being wrong & being in a movie

Have you ever been proven wrong? I love it when I’m proven wrong. Not by words but by actions, it puts me back in my box and shows me my humanity.

I was lucky enough to attend a working group in USA last year. When I received my confirmation letter of attendance I began to panic. I've heard the horror stories. Innocent people travelling to US and being detained then shipped off to Guantanamo Bay, for carrying the Quran.

Okay, so I’m exaggerating a bit. But I really was scared. I never liked Americans because from what I read, what I saw on TV and the few people I met, I came to the conclusion that Americans were narrow minded, blindly following, arrogant and rude people. But I was proven wrong.

From the minute I stepped off the aeroplane it was like a sensory overload. The accent alone is enough to make you feel like you’re walking through a movie.

I waited at Atlanta airport for my connecting flights and I just looked at people. Families, friends, lovers all waiting for their flights, they seemed so....normal.

It was so cool to be able to eat the food that you see on TV and walk in the places that are in so many movies. But the people were the biggest shocker for me. They were so friendly, helpful and normal.

There were times that we shared the canteen with teenagers and I was so shocked at how respectful they were. Always saying please and thank you, letting you dish food first and not wasting food.

I have not seen South African kids in a big group act like that. I had to wonder, we always accuse American’s of being brainwashed by their media/TV, are we not guilty of the same thing? I know I was.

I was walking around one of the most dangerous places in USA and a female beggar asked me for small change, I actually got scared.I said no and walked really fast into the next shop to “loose her” I had just landed and was still taking everything in, it was only after a few days, I realised that they were nothing like Jo’burg beggars.They asked whether you said yes or no left you alone. They didn’t please their case to you, and then argue over the little change you gave them. They were so not normal for me.

We were on the ferry going to see the statue of liberty, ironically not something I ever wanted to actually go and see. And I overheard a conversation. *I know it’s wrong, but it just happened*. This white man was there with his family, he smiled at me as my friends and I stood next to him. And he started telling his son*I think* that this was the exact boat trip that their forefathers took all those years ago, to find “Freedom”. For the first time, I saw the ‘forefathers’ as the people saw them. As brave heroes and freedom fighters and not people who thought they were better than the rest.

On one of the flights the airhostess, announced on the flight that they have on board “Men who serve our country” and then asked everyone to give them a hand. I immediately though, considering that they probably cut off many of my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters hands, no thank you. And I didn’t clap for them. I walked through the airport looking at the hundred of army, navy whatever people and I just wondered, how many people have you killed? How much innocent blood do you have on your hands?

And then I saw him. The air force boy, I could not take my eyes off of him. I was staring at him, but he seemed to not have noticed #thankfully *what if they arrested me right there and then for staring at an officer of the law* #scaryshit. He was young. Probably just turned 18. He didn’t look it. He looked like he was 16 years old. And suddenly the big bad US army killing all the Muslims was turned into a living breathing person. A creation of the Lord of the Worlds. A boy that could have been my cousin. And my heart just broke for him. I tried to imagine what his mother must have felt, the day he “went off to war”. He was not a warrior. He was just a boy.

As we bordered our connecting flight, I overheard an older man talking to him. He asked him,, where was he stationed and then asked him, what did he want to do in the future. He replied that he wanted to make a career in the air force. He said it with such pride. And the older man replied, in a tone of experience “that’s what we all wanted”. Turns out the older man also served his country and when his turn came, they just kicked him the curb. I don’t know what exactly happened or how. I didn’t get to hear the whole story. The parts I did hear, was the older man warning the air force boy, not to pin his hopes on it.

I had a conversation with a Muslim guy when I came back about America. He went off on a tangent about how they have ruined the world and started listing all they countries that they invaded and all the people they killed like some kind of dare I say it “fundamentalist”. And I was so livid. I told him, that the US government is NOT its people. What about all the Muslims that live in America? You would pray for the downfall of a nation which your brothers and sisters belong to? Rather pray for justice to prevail! He didn’t get it. He couldn’t see beyond his own ignorance and hate.

I remembered the live movie I witness when I was sitting waiting for another flight. It was the most romantic thing ever. A soldier was running towards one of the boarding gates *I kid you not*. He stopped behind one of the flight attendants, tapped her on her shoulder and when she turned around she got a shock and then jumped into his arms. They were both smiling; hugging, kissing. And the people watching this ‘live show’ said “awww”. We were all touched at that moment by young love. It was beautiful *tear*. You have to wonder, would they see each other again? When is she going to get a phone call telling her he is dead?

War is senseless, not matter what the cause, or how honourable the cause is. Nobody wins in war.

I realised that they believe in a dream, just as we South African’s do. We believe in equality for all people regardless of race, religion and economic status which we know doesn’t happen. And they believe that their country is the best country in the world, it is after all “the land of the free”. That’s not true either.

We all believe in philosophies, hopes and dreams of things not because we don’t know the reality of what they truly are, but we believe in the hope of what they might become. If we the SA people were judged by our government, we would all be alleged fraudsters, liars, adulterers, acquitted rapists and terrorists.

I’m not saying that there aren’t ignorant, blinded, arrogant people in the US. I’m just saying that they are no different to the ignorant, blinded, arrogant people that exist in the rest of the world. Before you judge, go there, meet the people, and talk to the ones who are being oppressed and the oppressors, before you make judgements.

Some things are better in theory. Making my own ice cream out of chocolate, gummy bears, oreo's and cream was not such a good idea.

Instead of complaining....laugh

Lately my facebook page has begun to look like one of those awful FW: emails. I hate those emails, you wanna seriously irritate me, send me a FW: email. I delete them straight away. But for some reason having them on facebook is just different. Funnier and much more needed.

It’s started with me just needing to laugh, to drum up some positive energy because I got so sick and tired of people (including myself) complaining that it’s Monday or celebrating its Friday. Is that not the saddest thing you’ve ever seen? People who only live for the weekends? There has to be more to life than that. I remember a time when I lived for Monday morning (yes I was stupid) but it was really nice. I got five good days and two okay days. That’s what life should be like.

It really got me thinking about how we as people approach life. For many of us, it’s like all we tend to do is complain and gossip. Even if we have nothing to complain about (we always find something to gossip about). We get so use to complaining and being unhappy that when we have an opportunity to be happy we don’t know how to be. So we complain and be unhappy about all the things our ‘happiness’ lacks.

Happiness is something that comes and goes. One day you happy the next day you are not. I’ve come to accept that for what it is. And not try to make it last longer, I now try and enjoy every second of it. We get so consumed with trying to find happiness, to be happy to look happy to others and what do we do if we don’t have it? We complain about the fact that we are not happy. Instead of making ourselves happy.

I think the one thing I’ve learned is that complaining doesn’t help anything. You can discuss, argue even bitch now and then but complaining is that nagging monotone reasoning you tell yourself or others about why things never really worked out.

I am not good at letting the past go, but it has dawn on me more this year that holding on, is just stupid. It’s like Elena told Stephan on Vampire Diaries “I won’t love a ghost for the rest of my life”.

How many ghosts do we love? In the form of would be or ex lovers. Times in our lives like high school or University. Or thinking about how life should be. It’s cool to remember and reminisce but to love it, and miss it as if it was present in your life is insane.

I’m tired of loving ghosts.

I have two wishes for the world this Friday, I wish people would stop complaining and people should stop gossiping (including me). Just how what other people think is none of your business, so too what other people do is none of your business.

Muslim Identity on SABC2

Major Props to the speakers on the show ‘Muslim Identity’ on SABC 2 for having the courage to say what they think (which is shared by a lot of people I think). It’s never easy to go on a public space and be who you are, people are much too judgemental. So standing ovation for you all!!!

The show started off about being ‘muslim’ and then in went on to the highly contest space of “race” or more appropriately culture, maybe subtly but it was there. I do think they should have had an anthropologist on the show...not because I’m bias, but because they study society and culture. If you’re going to talk about buildings you gonna have to talk to an engineer no?

So as a Muslim anthropologist...this is what I’ve got to say:

Identity is probably some the most difficult theory to deal with (besides religion) in anthropology. Why? Because you cannot calculate it, you can’t box, you can’t label it and therefore it makes it very difficult to understand it. So the short version is:

Identity is something that is created through negotiation. Negotiation between the society you are born into, the practices that you are taught to do, the practices that you want to do, your religion, your social standing or ‘class’ and your experiences. (and any other experience that affects your thinking)

Because Islam has no restrictions on cultural expressions (as long as it does not contravene Islamic law), the Muslim person needs to now negotiate between what they believe and what they were taught to practice (their culture).

The identity is created through a relationship BETWEEN culture and religion and not through the giving up the one for the other. That is why you will find many different groups with different practices but the same belief system.

And that is the problem. Some times when religion should be given preference, culture is...and thus leading to a transgression of the religious law i.e. gham issues. I’m going to say this AGAIN!!!Culture and religion is NOT the same thing. They are intertwined, sometimes confused, but they are NOT...I repeat NOT...the same thing. Because there is this space in Islam to practice your culture, MANY Muslims often blur the lines. Which is not necessarily wrong, but it is not Islamic either.

Now the big problem comes in when we look at our leaders and scholars in the Muslim community. Their culture becomes a part of their public image and by in large the message that they have. Because a Muslim scholar will ascribe to a certain school of thought. And this school of thought is often ascribed to by many people of the same culture; the school of thought is then given a culture by default. People then label each other, because as humans we can only really understand something if it’s labelled. So Muslim Indians are Hanafi, Muslim Malays are Shafi, and the ‘progressive Muslims’ are all Sufi. This of cause is wrong but it does not stop it from happening.

The way black and white Muslims negotiate their culture is very tricky. And really that was the best part of the show. It’s like they are left in the wind. The only reason is because the Indians and Malays had a much longer time to learn how to deal with issues between their culture and religion and were able to organise themselves and align themselves with a specific school of thought.

If you look closely the tensions between culture and religion still exist. So what the black and white Muslims should do (and are probably doing) is negotiate with their culture as a group. Jessica Aisha said something about being Afrikaner Israeli Muslim...and that it not always is able to co-exist. And I just want to tell her, that being Muslim and Indian does not always co-exist either. Culture is static, always changing and growing. You will find away to keep some stuff get rid of others, and poof a new Identity is born. And your children and their children will carry on the traditions. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Now as a normal watcher of the show:

The fact that Muslim Indians are seen as “racist” not only to ‘other people’ but to people of their own kind (the whole gham thing again) is not exactly a secrete. So I don’t understand the big issue with Zuhayra actually asking the question out right. I am so proud of Jessica Aisha saying that Men actually go to these centres looking for white revert females to marry. *STANDING OVATION*. It’s not a nice thing hear on such a public sphere but sometimes you need to. Instead of Muslim Indians coming out guns blazing about all the things that was wrong with the show, first have the guts to admit “Yes, we can be racist at times...even to our own people”. Only when we...yes I said we...start acknowledging what is wrong in our society and the part we play in it, then can we change it.

Someone has to tell these people that what they are doing is wrong. Because they sit in the enclaves, protected by people who are a part of the same enclave who are leaders and scholars, who make excuses for them and you know what? Nothing changes. (Just so that you know I’ve been using the word enclave long before the show)

It’s not easy to say what you think. The show was just a representation of a few peoples opinions and ideas and research. It’s not a blanket idea...but it spoke about many things that I have said myself, thought about and questions that I’ve asked. It was just a poker in the flames.

I smell a follow up.

Answer me

I don't really do this. But these questions are different. So...consider yourself tagged if you read this.

Do you like feet?

Only clean ones.

Have you ever bitten anybody?

When I was younger yes

Have you ever had a crush on your teacher?

Not really, I thought Mr Schoeman was cute that’s all.

Do you ever go to parties?

Sometimes

Do you have more than 20 friends?

I think so...wait lemme count....one...two...yeah maybe

Do you like mustard?

Only the one and Jimmy’s Killer Fish and chips, other than that not really.

Do you eat dog treats?

No *vomit*

Have you ever eaten an insect?

By mistake yes, once a fly flew into my mouth. It was just bad timing.

Do you like to jump rope?

When I was younger yes. We use to play England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales.

Do you ever shoot fireworks into the water?

No.

Do you ever swim in lakes?

No. Lakes freak me out. Ever since I went to the vaal dam and had the feeling of mud between my toes *yuck*

Do you like to eat raw meat?

Does tuna count. I like tuna.

Have you ever hugged your cat or dog?

When I was younger yes. Now...I don’t have either.

Do you have a fish?

Nope.

Can you do a hand stand?

Nope. Not even in the pool #yeahiknow

What’s with the....

New changes on fb...yuck....actually making me think again about having a facebook page. And I never ever thought of deleting it until now.

Speaking of facebook....with all the changes I wonder if those long name groups like “he doesn’t know what he has until its gone, which is you, cause you a princess and he will never ever get anyone like you ever again” will finally go away

Speaking of which...seriously? You joined a group like that just after you went “from a relationship” to “single”? Why not just put it on your status, that your boyfriend is a royal ass! Leading you on for four years (there is that 4 again!!!) and then changing his mind about marrying you.

Speaking of which...do you think we are stupid? Opening your profile so that said ex, which is now no longer your facebook friend, can see all the men that are drooling over you? He did the same, which is making me wonder, why the hell you two don’t just get back together...it’s probably because of all the younger prettier ass that is scattered all over his wall...I get why you guys broke up now.

Speaking of which....if people cared as much about their neighbours, friends, family, ozone layer, world peace and such as they do about the breaking up of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, the world would be a much better place.

Speaking of which...I am the only one in the world that thinks the world is just a shit place to live in right now?? Anyone with happy stories please email me...I need a lift.

Speaking of which...I don’t get how grown ass men can stand on the side of the road hiking and when I drive by they get disappointed at me not giving them a lift...I’m like what world do you live in, where you even think it’s okay to ask a single woman to give a lift?? Effen psycho’s

Speaking of which, I’m not a psycho for stalking...if you don’t want anyone looking at your page...then don’t open it!!!

Speaking of which....what’s with all these applications of “found out who is looking at your profile” if you have friends on your facebook that you don’t want looking at your page, then here’s an idea...DELETE them!! Why do you have them on your page anyway...just so that everyone knows, I look at all my friends pages...if you don’t want me looking at your stuff then DELETE me!

Speaking of which...I’m too nice sometimes. I keep assholes on my page, because I can’t handle them knowing I deleted them. But I know I should...nothing good comes from having assholes on your page.

Speaking of which...if one more stranger starts a conversation with me, joking about going on holiday or wanting to give me a massage, I’m going to copy the conversation and post it here. What the hell is wrong with you? You can’t go out and try and pick up girls like a normal asshole? Why you gotta start a conversation with all the sex you not having? I don’t care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Speaking of which...I’m absolutely shocked at the fact, that if you not having sex, your made to be some kind of weirdo, and if you are then your normal (Out of wedlock or not). What is with this crazy world that we live in? It is anybody’s business? People need to get a hobby like trying to cure diseases instead of spreading them.

Speaking of which.... I said this before, I will say it again. Sex and the City is FICTION, movie, tv show, not real life. *rolling eyes*

Speaking of which....why do people say *bbm hands over eyes* or something like that. If you say *hands over eyes*, people will understand no? Why say bbm? I think that’s really really stupid.

Speaking of which...I take great comfort in people ability to be stupid. If they weren’t they would have figured out stuff, which I wouldn’t want them to know. Lol.

Speaking of which...I use lol too much. Really I’m trying to point out the fact that I’m joking and not that I’m laughing. OMG is a close second. I actually said it out loud oh emm gee...once...or twice...or five times.

*phew* finally the no 4 has stopped taunting me.

*grrrrr*

I took my love out of the vault. And now its floating around and teasing me. It’s not like before though. I see the vault has changed it. It hasn’t been fed by hope or delusional thoughts. So it’s not so strong. That makes me sad. Its like I’m watching the most beautiful part of me die.

But I have to be real about this. What did I think was going to happen? He was going to fall into my arms and say “I have come for you” with wind blowing through his hair. Seriously, there comes a moment in life, when you have to realise that living in a dream kills the life your living.

I just wish it would stop floating around. Cause I’m feeding it again with my stupid delusional thoughts. Gotta catch it and put back in the vault. Oh but how I want to just dive into it...recently the thought of sending an anonymous email crossed my mind. But I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, so I won’t do that. Maybe a fake facebook profile? No *shaking may head* gotta think about this rationally.

But I will forever be haunted by that number.

4.

Seems like such a big number sometimes and other times so small. I know thats not the only reason...he doesn’t like me. Because if he did, he would have said so. Its as simple as that. Or is it? Either way it’s time to catch that little sucker and put him back in the vault.

Its time to love me enough to do the best thing for me.