Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I'm happy...

I will say this much, yes it irritates me, it saddens me, it frustrates me, but today I am happy I am not married.

The thought of binding myself to a man who has his own thoughts and understanding and interpretations, that will have a direct impact on my life, is a f#$%! scary thought. Even though, May the Almighty will it, I find a man who has the same core values and core thinking as I do

It still scares the shit out of me.

Not because I'm scared of divorce. I'm not scared of divorce. Its just a part of life. Its because I'm scared of getting that look in married women's eyes. That empty, scarred, wounded look. Its quicker than a blink of an eye but you can see it when you mention marriage. Its like marriage destroys women. And it doesn't matter if its destruction comes from the hands of the husband, in-laws, family - the destruction of innocence (not just cherry popping) seems to be inevitable in marriage. More for women than men, but yeah I've seen the look in men's eyes too.

I've heard some horror stories. But I remember once specific incident that will stick with me. (I might have types this before). A girl I knew in school invited me to her engagement. At this function I sat at a table with a group of people I attended Primary school with. They weren't my friends, but a girl who I was friendly with sat at the table and told the story of how she got married.

It was a spur of the moment thing. The equivalent of an elopement in the Muslim Society, they got married on a week night and she was still living at her parents house and he at his. They were still studying at University  and needed space to study so their together time was done on the weekends until they graduated. She was glowing. Totally happy and smiling.

I saw her a couple of years later, washed out, with a child and all that glow, smiles and possibility wiped from her face. She actually looked like shit. Granted she could have been just having a crappy day but I felt so sorry for her. And I am always reminded of that, when I hear sad marriage stories. How being married just destroyed people.

I read this book called "The Jane Austen guidebook to dating". One of the things the author says is that we need to be careful of who we date. That sometimes people just bring out the worst in us. You are not a slob, but being with this person just brings that side out of you. But what do you do? How do you know? The truth is, you don't.

I know this much. The one thing you don't want is the thing that will happen. Its a some type of grand design planning thing, to humble you. To teach you a lesson. Don't expect things to happen. Just live. Just trust.

Of course there are happy stories. But its the sad ones that you remember. The sad ones that make you glad you are not married.


Zainy said...

I so relate to this post at the moment. All my friends seem to be getting married or are already marrie, and you're right, its the sad stories that stay with you. The truth is (that I find anyway) that most of them aren't nearly as happy as they claim to be.

What bothers me most is some of my friends that can't see the many red flags that I see. Its almost as if everyone else can see the trajectory of the the relationship besides them. And at the end of the day they're left crying and bitching about their significant others, you just have to sorta listen cos "I love him". And if you give your 2 cents worth... "You don't know how to compromise that's why you're single"

I've had my fair share of blunders. And making excuses for things that are just inexcusable, but at the end of the day! U live, you learn and you grow. And i've decided that its better to be alone than waste time with the wrong one.

Call me a skeptic, but with the horror stories you hear lately, the risk is just way too high.

Lady T said...

Zainy, that is the scary thing, seeing what we see then finding yourself in the same situation. Unable to fix or move beyond it. That is what freaks me out.

"You don't know how to compromise that's why you're single" - Oh my gosh...I get so annoyed with this thinking!!

I agree, the risk is way too high, and more importantly, I haven't met anyone I'm willing to take that risk with.