I'm happy...

I will say this much, yes it irritates me, it saddens me, it frustrates me, but today I am happy I am not married.

The thought of binding myself to a man who has his own thoughts and understanding and interpretations, that will have a direct impact on my life, is a f#$%! scary thought. Even though, May the Almighty will it, I find a man who has the same core values and core thinking as I do

It still scares the shit out of me.

Not because I'm scared of divorce. I'm not scared of divorce. Its just a part of life. Its because I'm scared of getting that look in married women's eyes. That empty, scarred, wounded look. Its quicker than a blink of an eye but you can see it when you mention marriage. Its like marriage destroys women. And it doesn't matter if its destruction comes from the hands of the husband, in-laws, family - the destruction of innocence (not just cherry popping) seems to be inevitable in marriage. More for women than men, but yeah I've seen the look in men's eyes too.

I've heard some horror stories. But I remember once specific incident that will stick with me. (I might have types this before). A girl I knew in school invited me to her engagement. At this function I sat at a table with a group of people I attended Primary school with. They weren't my friends, but a girl who I was friendly with sat at the table and told the story of how she got married.

It was a spur of the moment thing. The equivalent of an elopement in the Muslim Society, they got married on a week night and she was still living at her parents house and he at his. They were still studying at University  and needed space to study so their together time was done on the weekends until they graduated. She was glowing. Totally happy and smiling.

I saw her a couple of years later, washed out, with a child and all that glow, smiles and possibility wiped from her face. She actually looked like shit. Granted she could have been just having a crappy day but I felt so sorry for her. And I am always reminded of that, when I hear sad marriage stories. How being married just destroyed people.

I read this book called "The Jane Austen guidebook to dating". One of the things the author says is that we need to be careful of who we date. That sometimes people just bring out the worst in us. You are not a slob, but being with this person just brings that side out of you. But what do you do? How do you know? The truth is, you don't.

I know this much. The one thing you don't want is the thing that will happen. Its a some type of grand design planning thing, to humble you. To teach you a lesson. Don't expect things to happen. Just live. Just trust.

Of course there are happy stories. But its the sad ones that you remember. The sad ones that make you glad you are not married.

Into the light

I want to do this to some people. Just because they are in such darkness. And evil & darkness just comes out of them when they open their mouths. Or Minds. Though I'm no one to command anyone. So my version would be something like this:

 

"By the will of the Almighty, may He command you into the light!"

 

 

*I DO NOT advocate the use of magic or spells of any kind in this excerise.

"You know nothing of hell"

My life has never been easy, it’s never been just ‘good’. And when things are good now, I feel guilty. I wait and wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. When is it all going to end? When is that sinking feeling and knowing going to return?

I think about how far I’ve come and I’m in awe, and so grateful. But then I look again, and while some things have changed drastically others haven’t changed at all. And I feel stuck. Like I’m still sixteen.

I in no way am not grateful for the light. For my salvation from Moria. I never take that for granted. Every time I’m pulled back, every time I have to face the darkness on my own, and the orcs and the goblins and even the trolls, I never take for granted that this time around it’s different. That feeling of absolute despair was replaced by a light. And while the light may dim and waver, it never goes out. And it is the one thing I hold on to. No matter how long I stay in Moria. No matter how long it takes me to get out. There is light.

I never asked for any of this. I never asked to be strong. I am strong because I have to be. I don’t have a choice. And that strength, that gets me out of Moria that allows me to survive, makes me hard and ‘un-approachable’. I can’t smile at strangers. It’s that self defence mechanism that kicks in. So every time I see a cute guy on the train, I give the bitch face stare.

I don’t want to be like that. I have to. You would be like that too if you had to fight trolls and goblins in your spare time.  You would be like that too if you really knewevil.

I sometimes wish that my mother raised me to know how to catch a husband and not be strong. Have him fight for me. I’ll be in the tower; I have no problem with that. I’m exhausted. A tower holiday is something that I would love right now.

And I look at these women, who fight for independence as if they know what that word means. And it’s only those women who’ve lived all their lives under the watchful gaze of their fathers and brothers then their husbands that can want that type of freedom. They never had to fight goblins. They never had to be strong.

And the worst thing about being that way is that the moment you let go. The moment you decide not to be strong, you make the wrong decision. And then have to deal with that for the rest of your life.

All I have ever had to be was strong, and now hard. And I wonder, if we are always being prepared for the future. What am I being prepared for?

Getting Ready...

I remember a nazim/song that we learned in Madressa. "Ramadan is coming, Ramadan is coming..." I hated that song. Not only because that it has a melody that is displeasing to my ear but reminds me of not a very nice time in my life.

I love Ramadan. Its just a feeling. A comfort that comes over you that you want to hold on to forever. You remember your purpose. Your destiny. You remember all the things that the long days and nights of normalcy make you forget.

I am reminded that all life is connected. That I am a spec of light on thread of the tapestry of life. Interlinked and interwoven into a greater universe. One that I cannot comprehend. I realise that all of time is just perception. My understanding of what moves between one second and another is determined by what I am feeling at that particular time.

And it normally sways between hunger and exhaustion. Frustration and anger is not far behind. Sprinkle a little sadness and tears and you have melting pot of all the things that you shouldn't be doing while you are fasting. But, alas such is the human condition.

This morning I sign into facebook and every second status talks about trusting the Lord of the worlds. Yes okay I got the message. I need to trust. But the day goes on and my mood dips and I remember that while I worship a Loving and Forgiving Lord, He is also a tester. He is also punisher. And I feel like the whole world is weighing down on me. Like I just can't handle one more sad story, or more 'bad news' or things that are never going to happen. Like death would be a great relief right now. So later I'm Internet surfing and came across this post, please note the date. How apt it talking about fasting. And its like the Lord spoke to me again.

Okay, I get it. No more wallowing. Trust your Lord. Change yourself. Have Patience. Message received loud and clear.

On a more social note:

I went out this past weekend and it was like Muslims where enjoying what they can of their freedom before they went to jail. There a two schools of though on this matter, one that thinks people going out in droves before Ramadan eating as if all the food is going to finish in one month, is wrong, and those who think its okay. I use to come from the first one, but now I think I agree with the second much more.

As South African Muslims 'celebration' of ones religion is...difficult. We haven't learned how to do it yet. To eat? But over-eating is bad for you and against the Sunnah. Zoo Lake? Parading around while you should be with family has been officially condemned by the Ulamah. We don't drink, we don't dance or listen to music...'officially' anyway. So how do we celebrate such as awesome month? South Africa's go shopping and walk around malls.

To the naysayers I say, give us a break! Being a Muslim is more than just being in your family. Being a Muslim means that you a apart of a greater family, society. Going out and seeing all types of people with their family's eating at a restaurant, or shopping for last minute Ramadan groceries gives us a sense of camaraderie. That we all going to do it together. And isn't that what the whole point of Islam is? To bring people together in the worship of the one Lord?

To Know

This is not about pain, all pain is relative. Everyone experiences it so no one can tell the other how good or bad they got it.

But the breaking of the very fabric of reality is something that you will never understand unless you have been through it.

Unless you have been through that moment, where everything goes silent, the world stops and you can literally hear a type of crack. A breaking of sorts. The wind is knocked out of you. You go numb, then bombarded with every emotion known to man and then numb again. All in a blink of an eye.

You think back to the moment before, the moment you didn’t know and it’s like you can’t understand how it happened. How can reality crack, break, change, split, disappear with just Knowing?

Everything is different. And nothing will ever be the same again. And you try to hold on, but it slips away from you. And in your heart you can feel it. Not just experienced, not just lived through…you Know.

I can notice it the minute I meet someone, whether they Know or not. Some try and hide it. Some wear it like a badge of honour. But I can see it in their eyes, in their step, in the lowering of their voice. I think they can see me too. The Knowers.

People talk about pain, sacrifice, doing what you want, freedom, liberation and independence. As if they know what that means. As if they have paid the blood price for Knowing. They talk, but they don’t Know.

In truth I envy them.

What I wouldn’t give to not Know.

Two words that haunt me...

are. is. Fucking grammar!

Moonstruck quote

Totally love this

"You can't see what you are. I can see everything. You are a wolf! The big part of you has no words and it's-a wolf. This woman was a trap for you. She caught you and you could not get away. So you chewed off your foot! That was the price you had to pay to be free. Johnny had nothing to do with it. You did what you had to do, between you and you, and I know I'm right, I don't care what you say. And now you're afraid because you found out the big part of you is a wolf that has the courage to bite off its own hand to save itself from the trap of the wrong love. That's why there has been no woman since that wrong woman. You are scared to death what the wolf will do if you make that mistake again!"