The type of wife I want to be

The advantages of being single is you get to think about things.

I've been asked on more than one occasion, "so what are you looking for?" I assume this means in a spouse, otherwise I would have said "peace and lots of money". And then I think for a second, and I come up with the silly things that you think about, kind, funny, honest, stable. But the one question no ones seems to ask, is "What type of wife are you going to be?"

Its so easy to look for what you want, how you can get it, but to ask what are you willing to give and how will you give it is much more challenging.

I want to be the type of wife that allows my husband to be himself. As stupid, arrogant and loving as he wants to be. I want to be the type of person that will be okay with whatever or whoever he is. I don't want to nag! I hate when wives nag it kills me, and I'm female! I want to be the type of wife that he listens to, misses when he is away and behind my back tells his friends how awesome I am.

I don't want to tell him how to behave in public, to eat his food (Yip, true story) or what to wear, but if he wants me to take out his clothes for him I could do it on occasion. I want to be the type of wife, that if he is watching soccer, playing fifa or trolling through techie sites I can go and read and not have to tell him that we not spending enough quality time together.

I want to be the women that inspires him to be a better man. To be his best friend.

I'm sure he will irritate me, but I want to be the type of wife that can tell him so and have him want to better himself because HE wants to do it. Not because I force or emotionally or sexually blackmail him.

That being said, a man who does not have his Shit together, will not be able to have this type of relationship. Because if I'm not going to be needy and clingy he just might be. As the wife I want to be, so too would I like a husband that is the same.  

I don't need a husband who praises me everyday. I was not born in a family that did that. So I will either not believe him, or it will irritate me. But I want to inspire in him, the need to every now then tell me how much he loves me and that I was the best decision he made.

I don't need a husband to support me financially. But I want him to. At least to know that he will look after me, and have it be my decision that we work together.

I want us to be able to live my life with my husband. Not create a world that should either of us not be there, we would fall into pieces and question the very existence of God because of our own failings.

If he sees a beautiful women, he must feel free to come to me and say 'wow...this chick is hot. But will not flirt with her, not out of respect for me, but out of respect for her because he doesn't want to lead her on. Because he treats all women with respect no matter who they are. And if she does flirt with him, he must ignore her because I am enough for him.

Who we are should not be based on the other person. But they should inspire us to do better, be better and feel loved even if we don't succeed.

Sounds like a fairy tale doesn't it? After all you don't always get what you want.

And they all lived Happily Ever After

6 Shades of T

      Okay, so I did it.

      

      I plunged into the world I said I never would.

I read 50 Shades of Grey. All of them. Now I'm part of the masses that are completely in love with Christian Grey.  *sigh*

Here is what I want the haters to understand. If you haven’t ever read a Mills and Boon or those rapture books etc. This book is NOT for you. You won’t understand in the context that the book was written in, or why it’s so graphic.

And it is graphic. Sometimes even disgusting. But I take it with a pinch of salt.

As an anthropologist it was very interesting to read. The whole S&M thing really is a culture and lifestyle that people (consenting adults) ascribe to. Hey, I don’t judge. And from what I understand this book is quite clean compared to some other things.

There are a few things that really struck me.

                  

                 1.       The Nature of the Relationship

One of the most fascinating things for me was the design of the S&M relationship. So picture this. You have a relationship that is based completely on trust. If you don’t trust that person with everything in you, you could die (literally). And the most amazing thing for me is the trust is returned. Because as partners you both read and signed a contract that stipulates things you will and will not do and you stick to it.  

Maybe it’s because I come from the world I come from that a relationship like that to me seems strange. I don’t trust anyone. And I asked myself, what would it be like to be able to trust someone like that? I think pretty darn great. Some might say that in a marriage you have that type of relationship, but I know many women who would disagree.

I have always had issues about power in a relationship. The fact that you have to “ask” someone else who is not your parent, can do you this or can you go there really grated my coconuts. But after I read this book, I got it. *light bulb moment*

The woman (sub) trusts the man (dom) so much that she gives him power over her comings and goings (tying up and what not’s). By allowing the man to make decisions ‘for’ you is in no way dis-empowering  Actually, it gives you more power. Because you can take away his power at any point in time (Saying the safe word).  And really, who has more power? The one yielding it? Or the one who can take it away? *raised eyebrow*

I really found no difference in the structure of the relationship (besides physical activities) between Christian Grey & Anastasia Steele and a Muslim Indian[1] couple from South Africa.[2]

           2.       Pain vs. Pleasure

When you exercise you release good hormones. What your body is actually doing is ripping apart the muscle and then growing it back again. And apparently, if your body didn't release all those hormones you would die of pain. 

There is also this research that found that the same part of the brain that gets stimulated when you love someone who doesn't love you back is the same part of the brain that gets stimulated when you take drugs.

So here you have this dichotomy. Whether you’re experiencing physical or emotional pain, you feel good about it. How many people allow them to be used, abused emotionally or physically, and hurt over and over again by those who apparently love them? Yet they stay.

So the idea that physical pain can feel good, I understand on a logical level.

                   3.       What I loved....

Christian Grey...arrives!  She needs him and he is there. Automatically *swoon* *sigh* *tear*.  And yes, I know its fiction, and he doesn't exist and no man is really like that. But what my dear male readers don’t realise is that that is the way to a woman’s heart...to try...to actually be there...to arrive when she needs you.

The money and good looks didn't hurt the situation either.

*Oh but when he wears the tie! Major Swoon*

                        

                     4.        Fundamentally....

This fad should tell you more about the readers, than the writer’s imagination:

No matter how independent a woman gets, she always needs someone. And all we want is to be loved and to be shown love.

No matter how perfect the man may seem ladies - he has issues. Always.  There is no running away from that. There is no perfect man. Just one that is perfect for you. And the sooner we actually realise practice this, the better.

                     5.       The Movie...

In Books, you can stretch the imagination, you say things that there is no possible way for that to happen, but in movies....that’s a whole different other story. The fact that they want to make this in a movie really boggles my mind. They really are taking this whole marketing to a different level. It will be interesting to see how they do it though. The speculation of who will play Mr. Grey is actually fun to watch. Here is my picks:  

I'd like to introduce you to Mr. No name. In movies with such hype its better to use unknown actors than known ones. Like Ryan Gosling? Hell No! 

 This is a Spanish actor - can't remember his name now...

  

But the Winner is (and exception) - Henry Cavill aka New Superman- I love him. *serious face* 

         6. What I didn't like

If anyone wanted to know what would have happened to Edward and Bella had he not been a vampire. This book is the answer. Why so many women are in love with this type of characters is beyond me. Because they are not realistic[1.1] especially the females, Edward more unrealistic than Grey, but even Grey pushes that boundary. And that is not even including the whole Vampire thing.

Morality is a fine line. And the more you push it, the more the meaning of it changes. This eventually changes people and then changes society. So every time you push the concept of what is disgusting or bad, you end up with a product that is worse than the previous. Making the previous no longer bad but ‘normal’. This book does that, and I don’t think people really understand the consequences of that.

This book is not suitable for teenagers. And the fact that mothers are encouraging their teenage daughters to read the books is really a sign of where we are as a society.  F*&@ up[1.2].  It’s normal to hide it away from parents - not flashing it around and publishing it on Facebook. *more disgusting than the book*

The use of the words[1.3] is what makes this book different to the other “mommy porn” books. They have been around for a very very long time, but the words they used were gentle... not in your face descriptions. My favourite is the books written in the 70-80’s they had very strong family values. And the words are not so crude. But their clothes were a whole different story. That is where I learned that if I didn't like what a character was wearing I would change it.

1 210 words later and what I really want you to know is that it’s just a love story.

Thought this was funny

[1] It is a special recipe of Muslim and Indian that creates a Muslim Indian – the culture is very different.

             [2] South African Muslim Indians have a very different culture    

[1.1] This is fiction and we should enjoy it for that. But by making aspects of a character real, it makes it easier to lie to you.

[1.2] Fucked up

[1.3] ‘Her womanly wanting’ funny but gets the job done 

Turns out walking, is not as easy as falling

I have had an online crush for a while now. Not, I-want-to-marry-you-and-have-your-baby’s kind of crush. More like, I-want-to-eat-your-brain-so-I-can-see-how-you-think kind of crush. Because there are very few people in the world that make me go...what the hell does that mean? So when I meet people like this, I want to keep them in my pocket for a very long time.

The Mad Hatter plays with me. Not in a slap-and-tickle kind of play, but like fun play, like kids would. It’s like he’s falling down the rabbit hole right next to me, having the time of his life. It’s exciting, because I never know what can come out of his brain. It’s challenging, because it makes me say and think things I would never dream.

So I came up with this thing. I would do an Online Valentine thing for him, just for fun. I’ve been planning it, since last year, but then life happened. So I’m posting it here, because I went through all the trouble of making it and everything.

I’ve found very few people I could play with. Many of whom I don’t talk to anymore, because life happens. I always wanted to have my prince charming be someone who could play with me.

I heard on 3talk the other day, that there was this study done, and it was found that the same part of the brain that gets stimulated when you take cocaine is the same part of the brain that gets stimulated when you “stalk” someone. So loving someone that doesn’t love you back is like crack?

*Lightning bolt* For the longest time I was an addict. I was hooked and in denial. Blaming destiny, and age, and ethnicity and the mother and socio economic status, for all the reasons, why they didn’t love me back. But in the mean time, I was just on crack. That’s all it was. It had nothing to do with him. It was always about me.

Suddenly, the boy, the clown even the midget made sense. As long as I was up in the clouds, I didn’t have to trip and fall on land.

I was a fan of the concept of “walking into love”. The whole falling thing seemed too tragic and too much effort for nothing in the end. So now there is this person, let’s call him Hulk. Hulk is on land, and he wants to walk with me. Probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Some part of me always wished I would fall in love, so that I would have to think about the 101 things that can go wrong or that is wrong already. My intelligence knows that anything of value can only be made by walking and not falling. But my heart, cannot stand that the reality may not end in happily ever after.

Reality my new friend, welcome. I hope you enjoy your time here. Because I’m not enjoying it. It’s easy to say, I want someone who has the same chemistry as Mad Hatter. But then Reality tells me that Mad Hatter is a lot of work. Ordering food will become an adventure. When all you really want, is to sit, order food, eat, and walk out.

I realised one day then when I sit and talk to Hulk the conversation is not mind blowing. He is not down the rabbit hole with me. He is not making me feel like I’m flying. We are not contemplating the stars. All we are doing is just have a normal conversation. It occurred to me while talking about the most mundane thing, that I’ve had so much more interesting, fun, mind blowing ‘play dates’ than this. But I didn’t want to get up and walk out. I didn’t want him to change the topic of conversation. I was more than content just walking. Not running. Not flying. Just walking.

I finally know what superman was talking about. “It is different when they like you back”. It’s scarier. But that’s what happens when you wait so long. It might not be anything or it might be everything. But at least its real.

What I would do

This post broke my heart. Because I bet you, the very same people that had an issue with her age, are the same people who are quick to quote hadith and send you to hell (not that they have the power) for not following the sunnah. What about the sunnah about, tolerance and forgiveness and helloooo....the fact that the Prophet’s (SWA) first wife and love, was 20 years his senior. What about that huh? I feel like actually writing a letter to this woman and give her a piece of my mind. It would go something like this: Dear Aunty, I understand that you love your son, and you want what is best for him. But guess what? You don't know everything. And what about what him? What about what he wants? Does he not have the right to live his life? Does he not have the right to make decisions about his own life? Yes, you need to look after your flock, but he is a big boy, responsible for his own actions. I mean common...it’s not like she’s a drug addicted, alcoholic, whore. She will be an excellent wife and mother to your grandchildren because of who she is, not how old she is. Trust in the Almighty and in the fact that you brought your son up in the best possible way you could. And let him make his own decisions. Don’t stand in judgement of someone you don’t know. Once upon a time, you were in her position. Would you not have appreciated it, if someone treated you with kindness? If you really love him, like I know you do. You would do anything to see him happy. Allow him that. And if it doesn’t work out. Then you will be there, to help him through it. Because that is what a parent is there for. Not to dictate his life for him, but to love him regardless of circumstances. Sincerly, A concerned Muslim Sister I know, its too nice hey? But she is probably old, so I’ll play nice.